A New Devious Chapter

Rabbit and I are at an amount of time where it's just on that verge of being considered a long term relationship, and yet due to having very long previous relationships, still feels short.  It's only just about seven months altogether, but is still at a point where we now feel settled in in many ways. And one of the things that I recently had seen, as well as having talked about, was that most couples stop dating once they become exclusive, and find some routine in simply existing around each other.  That most couples spend their time watching tv together, not talking, or discussing, or doing anything to grow themselves or their relationship.  It causes stagnation, or even the seeds of resentment if the timeline goes long enough. We still try to find pockets of time, whenever we can, to go on little adventures together.  Even if it's just taking a short drive to somewhere to walk around, we get time when we can focus on each other, our relationship, and strengthening our bo

 While Rabbit and I were sharing a myriad of things, the conversation bounced around and we got to talking about the idea of intimacy.  We spoke about how for most people, intimacy and romance is exclusively surrounding the physical, and sexual aspects of a relationship.  Then we agreed that on the scale of things, for us that's fairly low, and we enjoy that. And I'm fairly certain I've written about this before, but I am feeling more appreciative of it now, after having the talk which makes it more relevant.   We talked about how it's the hard conversations that feel intimate for us.  The times that we can share, and open our hearts and feelings to each other.  The times when we curl up and share our favorite movies, or show each other the things that shaped us into who we are.  Things like sharing food, or a quiet cup of coffee.  Lending books, or just curling up on the couch and sharing memories.  Talking about our anxieties, and fears, and feeling safe to do so.   F

For years, I've written about how I see Valentine's as a day to show love for everyone in your life.  That it's important to me to remove the romance from it, and make love something to celebrate in all forms, and show that to anyone you care about. This year, I have a Rabbit who is silly, cheesy, and encourages actually observing and celebrating holidays together.  Something that honestly, I've never really had. We made plans to spend the weekend after the holiday together, because Squishy had a long weekend, and we've both had a lot going on.  It worked out well as far as I was concerned, because initially it was supposed to be a long weekend after over a week apart, due to his work schedule being messed with.  After the emergency with one of the dogs, it still worked in my head, because we would each get a chunk of time to get our own things taken care of. I was entirely prepared to spend Valentine's apart, and ok with it, because it was something I was used

 The week before Valentine's, I wasn't actually supposed to see Rabbit.  He had some weird days off, which messed with our schedule, and so we would have a full two weeks apart before I spent a weekend with him.  I was looking forward to a productive week, and getting through a ton of things so that I could feel extra caught up before spending time with him. And by now you know that didn't happen. Monday morning I tried to call Rabbit to help him wake up.  He didn't pick up at first, so when I tried again a while later, he answered, sounding exhausted.  He told me that one of the dogs was having a health issue, and so he was panicked all night. After looking some things up, and reassuring him that it wasn't what had happened with his previous dog, I focused on making sure he knew he wasn't alone.  As he got through the day, I tried to be present with him, and provide options, and help with all the steps in the process.  Once he was out of work and had talked to

 I remember for the longest time seeing the idea of couples apps, and shrugging them off.  Thinking that I was above them, because I could manage a relationship myself, and that using any tools was a failure. And then I started thinking about ways to help Rabbit, and keep him on track, or provide some amount of accountability.  Initially, I had wanted a sort of shared to-do list.  Something I could add pertinent reminders to, that he knew we could both see, and so it would stay visible in a way that might keep so many things from falling through the cracks. So I went looking, and the majority of what I had found happened to be a relationship app.  I almost refused to even ask about any of them, because they seemed ridiculous to me.  As I looked at it though, it had all the tools I was looking for, as well as some other cute things.  So I tossed the idea at him, and while it took a week or so for us to get to it, because he still does have ADHD, we finally tried it. We found something a

 For a while, I noticed some of Rabbit's behaviors, and how he would joke about ADHD.  I saw how he was functioning now that there is time and space from his ex moving out, but could see the patterns in his habits.  I had thought those would be things that simply changed with time, and eventually when things fell on him, he would start to be more productive, especially as he felt happier. And yes, I noticed also the things that motivated him, or helped him continue to get things done.  Still though, there were many things that he simply hasn't made progress with, opting instead to continue on this path of least resistance.  Recently, it helped me realize that we're moving out of the honeymoon phase, because I could see how eventually I would wind up frustrated by this, and need to end things. But then, he told me that he actually is diagnosed on paper with ADHD.  That he tried multiple different kinds of meds as a kid, and they all had a horrible effect on him.  So while ma

 One of the biggest conversations that Rabbit and I had coming up to the decision to be together, was one about polyamory.  While I've had multiple serious partners before, and made sure to put effort into all of them, he's only ever had open relationships where he had one serious connection, and the freedom to have sex with others.  In fact, the few times he had a partner who asked for additional relationships, they wound up hurting him, or abandoning him soon after. And that's an entirely valid reason to not feel safe with trying.  Still, whenever the subject came up, I mentioned that he might feel different if he saw he was still being taken care of.  Constantly with the thought process that he might change.  While he didn't seem opposed, he was definitely uncomfortable, and I only realized a couple of weeks after the last time that it came up how self centered the idea was. Sure, I may be capable of polyamory, I don't actually know if I need it.  I've never

 Health issues are nothing new to me.  Almost everyone closest to me has a myriad of mental and physical maladies, which I have learned the workings of, and have gotten used to.  They come with rules, and everyone has learned to manage them as well as possible. And now I have a Rabbit, who also comes with his own collection.  His biological parents weren't the best during pregnancy, which has caused him to grow up with a lot of interesting things.  He has an assortment of allergies which are nice in some ways, and difficult in others, a pile of digestion issues which have a lot of rules, and some other medical things that make him feel mentally uncomfortable. It's lead to him always checking with me.  Asking if I actually love him so much that I don't want to run away.  Having him feel anxious or shameful, because of things that are just the way his body works. And then I read something that clicked.  It talked about the price of admission to have a person in your life.  If

 We've come to the beginning of another year, and I've had a few months to adjust to having Rabbit as a present and consistent part of my life.  That means adjusting to not only someone who calls dibs on every long span of time I have free, but short weekends as well, and if not, comes out to see me during the week.  It's affirming, and a healthy change.  It's also a lot to adjust to. I'm used to having so much of my time be mine.  When I'm not taking care of Squishy, I'm used to having all day to take care of myself, and get work done.  I was moving all day, every day, with plenty of time and organization to take on more.  Then this boy comes along who wants to spend time with me, and talk to me, and that all sort of went out the window.   And I've been learning to get more done during the day, and give him presence.  When he's with me I try to give him the attention he needs, and I've been keeping up with all my venues, because self-imposed dea

 Ok, now that the holidays are almost done here (with the exception of the pile of birthdays), I can share about the last couple of weeks of the year. I mentioned before the new year that we had an emergency trip to keep Squishy safe.  That meant getting home just before Channukah, and where we would have had a few days to prep, I instead had one.  Luckily, I had done most of the prep well beforehand, and with my mom paring down the holidays so much, it was fairly easy.  It wound up not being too bad, and was good to actually share another holiday with Rabbit, because I'm still getting used to sharing holidays with a partner. There was only some frustration with Squishy not understanding that you prioritize holidays over extra curriculars, and my mom trying to claim that she did everything for the holiday, where realistically, she made two things.  I let Squishy open some presents each night, and she was happy with all of them, and surprised by a few.  Far better than last year whe

 This is the last post of 2022, and should be something about the holidays.  Or it should be some manner of reflection about the previous year, and the amount of change I've gone through, and how life looks incredibly different compared to how it did.  Instead though, we had one extra event that occurred that I need to write about, both to reflect, and to remember, that I wasn't expecting. Two weeks ago, my mother's friend came over.  They were supposed to go to a tea house, and pick up some last gifts, while I got things done around the house.  With holidays approaching, my days were carefully divvied out with everything that needed to be done.  In fact, I had already baked up some fresh pita before she arrived, because Rabbit's father asked me to make some for my next visit. Well, as she was trying it, she got a message from her mom, saying that she was positive for covid.  We pulled out a test for her, and she was negative, but went home.  Because she was only at the

 Rabbit and I might be bad at holidays. We both got each other gifts, and I had every intention of giving him something to open for every night of Channukah.  I also initially wanted to give him something from the mix of handmade things and purchased presents for Yule and Christmas as well, as they fell inside the dates. He wrote me a poem a while ago, and gave it to me early in the fall, unable to wait.  That kicked off my wanting to write him something in return, having had his to work off of.  I had the time, and the drive to make something with a consistent rhyming pattern, and multiple verses.  I also made him a knotwork bracelet, some warm things, oh, and a collar.  I had picked him up things he said he wanted, or that popped up as being absolutely perfect for him. And as things showed up, and I got his stuff wrapped, I promised him that he would cry from the gifts.  We also kept going off about how we wanted to just exchange gifts, and not have to wait so that we could share the

 We're coming up to the end of the year, and looking at how things are with the holidays now, they're so much different from last year.  Both that there's things not happening, and new things that are. The biggest of which, is having a partner that wants to share the holidays, and wants to share time whenever he can.  We're starting to really find our stride in doing that, and he's starting to make sure he gets plenty of time with other friends as well.  As I encourage him, he's also having more time with music, and doing the things that make him happy, as I take on more things. We're definitely finding our stride when it comes to a dynamic, and how things work to make us both feel fulfilled.  There isn't any heavy protocols, but he's definitely made himself a happy nest of a submissive place with me, while knowing how to playfully brat and say that he's the top.  It works well for us, and I only see us being happier in it as time goes on. Things

 Part of being demisexual, at least for my particular case, involves not getting any enjoyment out of watching others have sex.  Normal types of pornography usually turn me off, or only make me laugh at best, but have never turned me on.  However, aspects of kink I enjoy that don't involve traditional sexual framing absolutely can be hot to me, and that's something that often takes a bit for others to understand. So when it comes to Rabbit, who tends to process most things sexually, or enjoy sex mixed into all parts of his life, I had gotten a little worried.  I wasn't sure if this would be a case where it would never be understood, or something that would be used against me like it has been. While I was at his place, I introduced him to one of my favorite anime.  I also told him that he was only allowed to watch up to a certain episode alone.  So he watched up to that point the day after I went home, and then had to wait a week until he came over on Thanksgiving.  And whil

 There's been a lot of changes in the last year.  So many both externally and internally that have forced me to grow, change, and reclaim myself in the past twelve months.  I realize how complacent I had gotten in a lot of ways, and how much I am pushing myself as a result now for what I want, and striving for even more. So this year, as much as there has been a lot of hurt, stress, panic, and feeling lost, I have a lot that I'm grateful for.  I'm making a lot of progress in becoming a better me, and building a better life. Which means, today I get to make the obligatory list coming into the holiday. I am grateful for introspection.  Being able to look at how I actually felt during various times, and realizing what was a survival behavior, versus getting to decide what I want. I am grateful for my drive.  I am constantly taking on more.  Finding new ways to work with what I have, push myself, and move into new venues. I am grateful for my ability to learn.  I have picked up

 Squishy had a week without school where she went to see her step family, so I spent a week with Rabbit.  His parents were just getting back from their home country, so we needed to pick them up from the train station, and see them for the first time in months.  It was good to spend time with them, and it's still amazing how welcoming they are to me. The week as a whole was enjoyable.  We spent one day going up to New York City, where I brought Rabbit into Chinatown for the first time.  We got some super cheap dumplings, and pastries, wandered around tiny shops, and watched lots of musicians.  After that we went into Brooklyn and he got to meet Dansa for the first time.  They got along well, and it was fun overall.  I'm always happy getting to introduce friends to each other. The only real thing that I can complain about, which is often something I've found happens with Rabbit, is his time management.  He's not late for things, but he sort of falls into holes of time, a

 Just before Halloween, Rabbit was over for an extra day because he needed an extra day before going back to work.  We spent the day working on personal things, and spending time curled up together.  While it didn't mean another night together (he had work the next morning) it did mean an extra twelve hours before saying goodbye for the week. And during that time, at one point I started sharing examples of things that have happened in my home.  How I'm treated by my parents, and the situation I'm living in.  And I realized, while talking about it, that I started feeling more anxious.   I noticed that even though he was being supportive, and telling me that he was here for good and bad, and asking what I might need in the moment, I was wishing I'd never said a word.  My mind could only go to Lux telling me that he couldn't deal with my home life.  That it was too much for him, and how he would disappear whenever things got bad.  I was so worried that I would lose thi

 I'm only writing this halfway through October, but enough has happened in the first few weeks of dating Rabbit that I can definitely talk about it. Right after we became official was the new year.  Even though he had work, and also had plans for the holiday (Yes, my mother is overjoyed that I found a nice Jewish boy) he played with his schedule to leave as early as possible and come to my place for a few hours.  I felt anxious about it as he talked about wanting to drive out here.  I've always had people use the things they do against me.  Like it's an excuse to do things that hurt later, because they stored up some good deeds earlier.  He assured me that this wasn't the case, and that he wanted to put into the holiday what he wanted to get out of the coming year, which was happiness and time with me.  And after almost a decade of someone who I invited to everything, and never showed, that hit hard. And we had a couple of hours where even though I hadn't told my pa

 I swear, this is the last post about Rabbit and I starting a relationship.  There's just been a lot going on with it, and most of it has been funny. The day we decided to be official, Rabbit had to go to dinner with his mom.  She had been poking at him not so gently for a while, and while we had a joke about waiting to tell his parents, he wanted to give her some good news. So while they're sitting and having dinner, he stops the conversation, and tells her that we're together.  She is smiling, but stern faced, and he asks about her response.  She says that she's happy that he's happy.  He questions it again, and she mentions that his dad had concerns about my age.   Now, Rabbit has been working at renn faires for a long time (it's how we originally met) and most of his friends are older.  A lot older, to the point where Rabbit's roommate has a couple of decades on him.   Rabbit looks at his mom and asks how old she thinks I am.  She makes up some vague lin

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories. It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen. So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going to dea