A New Devious Chapter

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me.  She also suggested talking to

While already at my limit trying to protect my daughter, and help her feel safe, social media is overrun.  I can't look anywhere without seeing stories about the unjust death of a black man by police hands, and what is happening as a result.  I see people in media being knocked down and arrested for being compliant, in the most gentle of situations. And it has me afraid, for so many people.  Afraid of lost lives, families torn apart, and homes destroyed due to how the police respond to a request for basic human decency. I'm afraid for my partner, who I haven't seen in months because of covid, trying to be responsible, and keep everyone safe.  Afraid that I won't ever see him again because as he prepares to move, he'll be walking something over to a dumpster, and the wrong person will drive by, assume he's looting, and attack him.  My partner, the brick wall that he is, can barely defend himself, because that invites him to become the target of police brut

It's been many years since Lux first moved to the area where he is right now.  I remember how anxious I was about it, afraid that this connection I had just made would fall apart, and I would never see him again.  Whether from my own stubbornness, his, or something else altogether, that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for it. Despite the pandemic, Lux is preparing another move.  His current job allows him to move more or less anywhere he wants, so long as there is an airport within reasonable distance.  And so he's decided that this move will be a bigger one, and he'll be changing states again, from north of me, to south. And honestly, he'll wind up having near the same length drive to get to here, and I'll have the same amount of travel as well.  On paper, for the most part, things should stay the same, and while they aren't perfect, they are something we are used to. I can't help but panic a little though.  Where Lux is moving, he'll have

The last couple of weeks have been a bit on the easier side, as we're all starting to learn how to cope and function in this lockdown situation.  There's still stress and things to deal with, but things are adjusting with time. Except my brain is apparently making sure to tell me about all the things that I do need, or are picking at me right now. This is something that stands out because normally, I don't dream.  Or at least I don't remember them.  There's only one or two times a year that I recall a dream when I wake up. I've had four in the last week or so. All very clearly telling me where things are actually at.  The first one involved someone I don't actually know, and I don't think it mattered that day.  However, I remember him hugging me despite the contact restriction.  I remember my surprise, then sneaking off to talk, and walking around holding hands.  And that feeling in my mind of just fingers entwined brought me so much peace in t

With us about a month into isolation, and not sure when it will end, I'm definitely feeling the effects.  So, I decided to think about all the things I want to do once it's safe to make plans and be with others again. I am going to koala on my partners so hard.  Full Master Blaster backpack koala. I want to finally run a game of Dread. Whatever local dumpy restaurants survive this, I want to try with people. Even if it's in my own yard, I want to have a fire, and share cigars and whiskey with friends. This will be the year I invite people over and finally watch the Matrix.  Because I'm the only person who hasn't seen any of them. On that note, I'm going to show Lux all the Jersey movies.  Half of them take place about two towns away from where he grew up. I want so much play time.  I don't care how intense, but I need that connection now more than ever. Play should also happen with friends too.  Not just the people I've done things with before

I knew, after Pax that the next chance I would have to see Lux probably wouldn't be until Easter.  Usually I try to get up to see him if I can, because the last couple of years that's been the only time we see each other in the spring.  While I'm not happy about the long windows of distance, I'm prepared for it, and know we both need to take care of our own things in the meantime. But now, with the enforcement to stay indoors, and being told not to travel, I am noticing my touch starvation even more.  All I want is to curl up with Lux.  To have the time just with him and no plans that we don't often get.  It's difficult dealing with touch starvation here.  Especially given everything around me, and the toxic environment.  That every day is a fight.  And then add in that I am the type of person that knows how important getting out of the house is.  Adding in touch starvation makes it a thousand times worse. A lot of things are hard right now, but all I need

Last Sunday morning, before the mess that was my trip home, I had turned on my alarm so I would be sure to wake up early.  It went off, and Lux and I woke up, but then we both rolled over to snuggle under the covers instead of getting up right away.  I didn't feel ready to start moving, and I especially wasn't ready to leave those snuggles. Lux and I hadn't really gotten that much time in to curl up together, and after two months apart, and who knows how much more time before I would see him again, we needed that bit of time.  So with only a sheet as a wall between us and the other people in the room, we snuggled in, and being us, things didn't just stick to being gently cuddled together. We managed to stay quiet enough to not wake the others up, but it was a bit of a fight at least on my part to keep it that way.  Hands on my throat, and that quiet controlling force made me want to make noise, be responsive, and throw away that respectful silence in favor of being

Lux and I made it to Pax and home again, after a lot of difficult obstacles and things.  I've even managed to get through my first one without catching any sort of pax flu, despite how common it is for everyone to catch. Mostly, we were there to spend time with friends.  It was a good social time, even if a reminder of how I am far more extroverted than everyone else.  There were also reminders that how Lux and I work is far more subtle and unique than the other dynamics often around us.  It often makes me happy that people don't quite get how we work.  Like a reminder that we really have made something that just fits us. However, it was my first pax, and it was a really interesting sort of event.  I don't think this year was as busy as intended due to corvid, but there were so many fantastic cosplays, and still plenty of lines.  I saw a ton of smaller titles that caught my interest, and had a bunch of tabletop games brought back to the front of my mind that I had wa

So, we decided against Winterfire this year.  Lux was destroyed by work, and needed to take time off the week before, and it was a lot of extra time and money to worry about, so we figured it would be best to skip it.   And while I didn't feel any sense of loss by not going, I did feel like I wished I could have done more with the long weekend than I did.  I relaxed, and caught up on a couple things, but didn't really feel super productive.  I know I don't need to be constantly doing, but this just seemed like time I should have been taking advantage of. However, we have decided on doing Pax, and seeing a bunch of friends there.  It's my first time there, and while I have wanted to go to this show for a long time, I'm a bit nervous with how big it's apparently gotten.  I don't know how this event works, and it's a little disorienting going into the prep so short notice. I've been pestering Lux with silly things, and while he's telling

It's been about a month now, but there have been other things I've wanted to talk about in the meantime here before writing about this particular moment. Lux sent me a link to a Reddit post, saying there was something attractive about what was behind it.  I checked it out quickly, because he very rarely sends me things like this that aren't just giggly porn.  The post was a short video, mentioning training someone, and a small video with a gesture that is sometimes shown being taught to pets.  And I immediately could tell what he liked about it, and I liked it too, in a very lighthearted way.  It wasn't taking choice away from anyone.  They were still free to express themselves, but had that moment of handing over control. It's the sort of thing Lux and I both talk about often.  That we never want to feel like there is a lack of voice, or any loss of self.  That we are people at our core, complex and unique.  He doesn't want to take that away, and doesn

Lux and I threw around the idea of going to Winterfire, with a lot to talk about.  We were unsure about timing, and how we would want to travel, and a big pile of things.  Those were easy enough to figure out, but he brought up something that was causing him a little anxiety. He didn't want me to have the same reaction as when we were at Fusion, knowing he would be pulled around to spend time with his other partners.  Even when I told him that I would have people there to spend time with, he was unsure, acting like he didn't even want to risk the chance of it. And, I had a lot of reactions, although I don't think he realized it. Fusion taught me to speak up as soon as something is wrong, and not to let it sit until it's a problem that overflows. It taught me that having needs doesn't make me a bad partner, because I've spent so long having to be ok with everything, and in every situation, in order to make partners happy about how little space I take up.

I learned something new recently. During his trip to see friends, Lux got sick.  He made it home safe, but even after a week, he wasn't quite better.  He went to the doctor, and wound up needing some antibiotics. Here's the thing.  I'm allergic to most antibiotics.  It's fun whenever I get sick, because I usually need to just tell them what to give me.  And Lux was prescribed one that I am not friendly with. Me being me, I wound up thinking about it, and wondered if that could affect me. So, I asked him, if this meant I was allergic to him.  It being a very strange thing to have happen, he didn't know. I looked it up, and there have been cases where people with the same allergy have had reactions during sex with someone on the meds. Which means that right now I'm allergic to my domlypartner.   While this is kind of sad, it's also interesting to know, and a bit amusing. Sometimes I'm glad that I think about everything.

There were many points Lux had to make during the talk we had while he visited.  One in particular, which I noticed how hard it was for him to process was how unfair he thinks things are.  I could see how difficult it was for him to say that he felt like I had to walk on eggshells with him, and other horrible things. And had we not been in a restaurant, sitting across from each other, I would have scooped him up in a hug right there. I have existed in a space where I had to say exactly what someone wanted, even if it wasn't true.  To lie about who I was, for the appeasement of someone else. I have had basic habits taken from me, trying to sneak and rush to have any sense of autonomy. Even now, I do truly have to balance on egg shells, often stomping down because I'm tired of the abuse with no better treatment even if I make every perfect step. Having someone trying to grow, and get better is not the same.  Mindful language which allows me to still be truthful doesn

Last year, Lux and I made a list.  A list of things we wanted to do instead of Pennsic.  I tried to slowly add things over time to it, at a variety of types of things, that we either hadn't done, or wanted to do again in another frame. Well, we never made that trip, and never decided on something.  That list is still there, and I think about it after that handful of days I spent with Lux over the new year. While we were on one of our many adventures, Lux admitted to not knowing about what Folsom was, and when I explained it to him, he said that he'd been thinking about wanting to attend a leather event, although not feeling the most confident about it. And while I immediately commented on how the reasons he had were purely in his head, and he would have his worries proven incorrect as soon as he was there, I also considered what I thought about going to a leather event. Leather spaces are often very gay male centric.  It can be a very stereotypically exclusionary, and w

Lux decided last minute on the Saturday before the new year that he was actually coming down here.  Prior to that, many things had been in the air, and even with him coming down, we still didn't have a plan.  It had been more than four months since I'd seen him, longer than we'd ever been apart for, and that length of distance was absolutely taking a toll on my brain.  I worried about what the visit would bring, or if that time apart would mean that we were no longer ok. He made it down though, and after Oliver demanded many hugs, we finally got to hug and spend some time together.  And even though there was so much time, and so much space, everything just fell into stride and comfort in many ways.  It was wonderfully centering, just to have that presence. The next day we moved at a fairly slow pace.  We threw around ideas of what to do that day, and opted that instead of going out for breakfast, we would go to one of the places I had wanted to take him for lunch.  Wh

I know, I usually take this post to be the cop out list of things I'm grateful for.  This year though, something recently happened that I wanted to touch on instead. Lux and I had that talk a bit ago, and I mentioned I would possibly talk more on it.  Well, usually a few times a year we sort of check in on things, and see how we are doing, what needs to be done, and if anything is going wrong or needs attention. With everything going on for each of us separately, we haven't really gotten around to that. And it's the sort of thing that can be fixed now that we're aware of it, and I'm very willing to do that maintenance, and make sure things are clear, and ok.  It's a reminder of how much work a healthy connection with anyone is, and how grateful I am that we've tried to continue to do that work, and not get complacent despite everything that's happened. I don't know a lot of people who will actively try to put in that work for that healthy space

As I've mentioned, I've been trying to take more pictures of myself to help with my dysmorphia.  One of the things I noticed with the new camera I'm using, is that it distorts images a bit, and I've been learning to work with it.  At one point I joked that since I had a camera that did some funky stuff, I should learn to take instagram butt pictures, and how to pose for them, and learn that I have a better butt than most of the butt models on there. Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself.  And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures.  They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl.  I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them. While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever.  And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those co

There was a good amount of traveling over the summer, which inspired a lot of writing, and kept everyday life off of this blog for a bit. Welp, we've had a lot of everyday life going on, and a bit less adventure, so it's time for a general update. Squishy has started a new school, which starts an hour earlier than her old one.  It means a change in morning routine for she and I, and it's been going fairly well, but is still not the easiest yet.  Overall, she's enjoying the new school, and getting to meet new kids, which is great news. I am rebuilding a project I had made for Dansa earlier this year.  It didn't fit as intended, so I tore half of it apart, and I'm fixing it to fit differently with the rest of the yarn she had given me a while back.  Hopefully I have enough yarn with the changes. My parents are going out of town to visit a friend next weekend, which means a bit of a mess while I keep reminding them of everything to do in the short amount of

I mentioned while talking about my visit with Lux about how he was a bit put off by how long we've been together.  How instead of looking at the obvious, we should celebrate what we've accomplished in that time together. Well, Lux went to camp, and got to really examine the rest of his side of the polycule.  Seeing that they talk about being oversaturated, but still take on partners.  That they run to others with issues instead of communicating with the partner they need to fix something with.  Lack of communication, and just a poorly juggled mess of space and questionable mental safety. He noticed people not actually acknowledging their needs, but running from them.  Treating symptoms and not problems.  Playing with tons of people but not spending the time to bond beyond that rush of brain chemicals induced by sensation. It reminded me of Lux talking about his fears and discomforts.  And it made me laugh. Because that polycule reflected that fear.  Spread thin, both to

Remember that wedding I mentioned dropping out of recently?  The one Lux was also supposed to be in? So, we got the invites. I got mine the day before heading up to Lux's place.  Squishy handed me the envelope, and I see "[Loki Taviel] and Guest" on the front.  Apparently I had a plus one available.  I wondered why it was worded that way, and thought that maybe they just did that for both myself and Lux because my address was more on hand. The next day, I get up to New York, and Lux mentions one of them asking for his address.  Silly situations with this aside, I tell him that I had gotten an invite with a plus one.  We express our confusion, but create a fun idea. Monday morning he tells me he has his invite in the mail, and he also has a plus one. So, fun idea is in motion.  We will each invite an additional member of our polycules, and take over a table making an awkward situation with everyone.  Openly holding hands and being affectionate with any of our par