A New Devious Chapter

Rabbit and I are at an amount of time where it's just on that verge of being considered a long term relationship, and yet due to having very long previous relationships, still feels short.  It's only just about seven months altogether, but is still at a point where we now feel settled in in many ways. And one of the things that I recently had seen, as well as having talked about, was that most couples stop dating once they become exclusive, and find some routine in simply existing around each other.  That most couples spend their time watching tv together, not talking, or discussing, or doing anything to grow themselves or their relationship.  It causes stagnation, or even the seeds of resentment if the timeline goes long enough. We still try to find pockets of time, whenever we can, to go on little adventures together.  Even if it's just taking a short drive to somewhere to walk around, we get time when we can focus on each other, our relationship, and strengthening our bo

 I spent a weekend that I initially wasn't planning to with Rabbit again.  Well, we were planning on it, to the point of him initially taking the weekend off of work.  When we both got the plague however, I suggested he swap to his normal work schedule, and I would stay home to try and get more caught up on things.  Then he mentioned his parents wanting to have a talk with me before we left the country about expectations and all, and because we didn't know when they were leaving, we decided it was best for me to go with him again. Well, his parents aren't leaving for almost another month, so we didn't need to rush, but it was a good dinner to have with them.  I'll be there in the middle of Passover, so we'll have the whole talk then.  There was a funny moment though, when his father said that I need to start speaking Hebrew, and I told him I was working on it, having never mentioned that I was learning previously.  He asked how it was coming along, and I just to

 February really was full of a lot of hard talks with Rabbit, where we both wound up in a processing space to understand everything that the other had been through.  It left us feeling closer, but drained, and wishing just for some boring time together. One of those times was my sharing how I found out about the gnome cheating on me, the lies inside of that, and the horrible things pertaining to it that just got worse the longer you looked at it.  We went into some of the abuse he put me through, how it's affected me in the long run, and how I deal with it now. And his first response while on the phone, was asking if he was allowed to cause him harm.  Saying that he didn't know how I wasn't expecting him to go murder him. So I told him, that while none of what he did was ok, and none of it is something anyone should deal with, I've used it as something to learn from rather than letting myself be a victim.  It's taught me in a way how to be a better person for him, a

 The week before Valentine's, I wasn't actually supposed to see Rabbit.  He had some weird days off, which messed with our schedule, and so we would have a full two weeks apart before I spent a weekend with him.  I was looking forward to a productive week, and getting through a ton of things so that I could feel extra caught up before spending time with him. And by now you know that didn't happen. Monday morning I tried to call Rabbit to help him wake up.  He didn't pick up at first, so when I tried again a while later, he answered, sounding exhausted.  He told me that one of the dogs was having a health issue, and so he was panicked all night. After looking some things up, and reassuring him that it wasn't what had happened with his previous dog, I focused on making sure he knew he wasn't alone.  As he got through the day, I tried to be present with him, and provide options, and help with all the steps in the process.  Once he was out of work and had talked to

 I remember for the longest time seeing the idea of couples apps, and shrugging them off.  Thinking that I was above them, because I could manage a relationship myself, and that using any tools was a failure. And then I started thinking about ways to help Rabbit, and keep him on track, or provide some amount of accountability.  Initially, I had wanted a sort of shared to-do list.  Something I could add pertinent reminders to, that he knew we could both see, and so it would stay visible in a way that might keep so many things from falling through the cracks. So I went looking, and the majority of what I had found happened to be a relationship app.  I almost refused to even ask about any of them, because they seemed ridiculous to me.  As I looked at it though, it had all the tools I was looking for, as well as some other cute things.  So I tossed the idea at him, and while it took a week or so for us to get to it, because he still does have ADHD, we finally tried it. We found something a

 For a while, I noticed some of Rabbit's behaviors, and how he would joke about ADHD.  I saw how he was functioning now that there is time and space from his ex moving out, but could see the patterns in his habits.  I had thought those would be things that simply changed with time, and eventually when things fell on him, he would start to be more productive, especially as he felt happier. And yes, I noticed also the things that motivated him, or helped him continue to get things done.  Still though, there were many things that he simply hasn't made progress with, opting instead to continue on this path of least resistance.  Recently, it helped me realize that we're moving out of the honeymoon phase, because I could see how eventually I would wind up frustrated by this, and need to end things. But then, he told me that he actually is diagnosed on paper with ADHD.  That he tried multiple different kinds of meds as a kid, and they all had a horrible effect on him.  So while ma

 One of the biggest conversations that Rabbit and I had coming up to the decision to be together, was one about polyamory.  While I've had multiple serious partners before, and made sure to put effort into all of them, he's only ever had open relationships where he had one serious connection, and the freedom to have sex with others.  In fact, the few times he had a partner who asked for additional relationships, they wound up hurting him, or abandoning him soon after. And that's an entirely valid reason to not feel safe with trying.  Still, whenever the subject came up, I mentioned that he might feel different if he saw he was still being taken care of.  Constantly with the thought process that he might change.  While he didn't seem opposed, he was definitely uncomfortable, and I only realized a couple of weeks after the last time that it came up how self centered the idea was. Sure, I may be capable of polyamory, I don't actually know if I need it.  I've never

 Health issues are nothing new to me.  Almost everyone closest to me has a myriad of mental and physical maladies, which I have learned the workings of, and have gotten used to.  They come with rules, and everyone has learned to manage them as well as possible. And now I have a Rabbit, who also comes with his own collection.  His biological parents weren't the best during pregnancy, which has caused him to grow up with a lot of interesting things.  He has an assortment of allergies which are nice in some ways, and difficult in others, a pile of digestion issues which have a lot of rules, and some other medical things that make him feel mentally uncomfortable. It's lead to him always checking with me.  Asking if I actually love him so much that I don't want to run away.  Having him feel anxious or shameful, because of things that are just the way his body works. And then I read something that clicked.  It talked about the price of admission to have a person in your life.  If

 Part of being demisexual, at least for my particular case, involves not getting any enjoyment out of watching others have sex.  Normal types of pornography usually turn me off, or only make me laugh at best, but have never turned me on.  However, aspects of kink I enjoy that don't involve traditional sexual framing absolutely can be hot to me, and that's something that often takes a bit for others to understand. So when it comes to Rabbit, who tends to process most things sexually, or enjoy sex mixed into all parts of his life, I had gotten a little worried.  I wasn't sure if this would be a case where it would never be understood, or something that would be used against me like it has been. While I was at his place, I introduced him to one of my favorite anime.  I also told him that he was only allowed to watch up to a certain episode alone.  So he watched up to that point the day after I went home, and then had to wait a week until he came over on Thanksgiving.  And whil

 Squishy had a week without school where she went to see her step family, so I spent a week with Rabbit.  His parents were just getting back from their home country, so we needed to pick them up from the train station, and see them for the first time in months.  It was good to spend time with them, and it's still amazing how welcoming they are to me. The week as a whole was enjoyable.  We spent one day going up to New York City, where I brought Rabbit into Chinatown for the first time.  We got some super cheap dumplings, and pastries, wandered around tiny shops, and watched lots of musicians.  After that we went into Brooklyn and he got to meet Dansa for the first time.  They got along well, and it was fun overall.  I'm always happy getting to introduce friends to each other. The only real thing that I can complain about, which is often something I've found happens with Rabbit, is his time management.  He's not late for things, but he sort of falls into holes of time, a

 I'm only writing this halfway through October, but enough has happened in the first few weeks of dating Rabbit that I can definitely talk about it. Right after we became official was the new year.  Even though he had work, and also had plans for the holiday (Yes, my mother is overjoyed that I found a nice Jewish boy) he played with his schedule to leave as early as possible and come to my place for a few hours.  I felt anxious about it as he talked about wanting to drive out here.  I've always had people use the things they do against me.  Like it's an excuse to do things that hurt later, because they stored up some good deeds earlier.  He assured me that this wasn't the case, and that he wanted to put into the holiday what he wanted to get out of the coming year, which was happiness and time with me.  And after almost a decade of someone who I invited to everything, and never showed, that hit hard. And we had a couple of hours where even though I hadn't told my pa

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories. It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen. So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going to dea

 It was just after the start of the school year, and Rabbit was at my place for what was seeming to turn into a weekly visit.  We sat on the porch Wednesday morning after Squishy had gone off to catch the bus, and I definitely noticed that he was a little off.  And we sat there, curled up, sipping coffee, when he told me he had something to say.  He prefaced it by saying he was aware that it was full of red flags, then told me that he had some feels.  He said that he would be ok if I didn't want to see him for a while, but wanted to make sure he told me, because he always wants to be transparent with me. He explained that when he realized the feels were there, he took apart the thoughts, and did some introspection to see if it was real.  To see if it was some sort of physical or emotional rebound.  Every time he followed a trail, he realized needs had been met elsewhere earlier.  At the end of the line, was just that he liked the dynamic that was forming between us, and that it'

 When Rabbit and I first started talking again, he would remind me that in his previous dynamics where he was submissive, he was heavily trained and very well behaved.  He told me about how he was super obedient, didn't talk back, and was far more of a pet for use than anything. So when we started playing, I continually encouraged him to be him.  I would be bratty with him, and playful, while still having control.  Soon enough, he would start speaking up, playing back, pushing for more, and also being a brat.  It was like all that training went out the window, but at the same time, he seemed happy to do it all, and like he was actually having fun.   We joke about things like brat taming, and how I will spoil him with play, and making sure I have his favorite things on hand.  That I will curl him up and play with his hair, and do all the things that he wants, rather than try to instill discipline.  While he certainly still brats, and is sassy, he does it to play, and knows where he

 Amidst cutting ties from Puppy, there were a few final times that I had to talk with him.  One was to get back some books I had lent him.  My response to this was just to buy new copies, and if he wants the book I have of his, he can ask for it.  The other was removing myself from the D&D campaign I had been playing with him. We had started the game back in January, and for the most part only played one session a month.  I was the only player at the table that had played with someone other than him, which meant I was the only vet at a table full of noobs, and that's fine sometimes, but not when everyone is afraid to actually roleplay.  And, honestly, I just didn't want to deal with him anymore.  Trying to have conversations with him had turned entirely infuriating, and with how Puppy ran the games, he couldn't keep track of anything he'd told us, and was changing details constantly for whatever he wanted in the moment.  To top it off, so many of our sessions had en

 It took a bit, but I finally took a bit of time to talk to Puppy about what happened.  And, it went as well as I should have expected it to. While he opened with asking how I was feeling, immediately after I started saying that I was healing, he sent a message saying that he didn't mean to hurt me. And that's great and all, but I wouldn't do anything with him, let alone be friends with him, if I thought he had any intention of bringing me harm.  Not to mention that regardless of what he meant, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.  I tried talking to him about it all, and getting him to understand the severity of what happened.  I also mentioned the trauma response that I had the morning I left, and rather than understanding, he thought me running was the trauma. In response, he decided to use that moment to admit to having had feels for me, which I knew.  He thought that was a way to apologize somehow, and I just got quiet, because I didn't know how to respond at

 When I got home, while Rabbit's now ex had finally moved out, he didn't have a lot of time to process.  I was there for a good few days, and he had work, but he wound up with the full weekend off.  And that first day, at a certain point, I get a message saying that things started to hit.  That suddenly all the change, and the realization of how dark things got, and how much of himself he sacrificed over the last few years. So I gave him patience, and presence, and the understanding of someone who has been in those spaces.  I gave him the space to sit, and process, and get himself past some of the initial hit. And then a few days later, I had something happen.  Something that tore me apart, caused me to spin, and made me feel far more broken than I had in a long time.  I was typing with a handful of people, but knew Rabbit was asleep, so while I sent one message, I didn't expect a response.  He eventually woke up, saw it, and called me.  When I picked up, he asked if I was

 A couple of weeks ago, Puppy was out to visit again.  There was a small ren faire at a nearby historic village, and we had rescheduled our session of D&D due to some conflicts.  When I asked around to who else was going, another friend, Rabbit, said he intended to be there.  I informed everyone that we'd be attending with Squishy in tow, because she was going to be home that weekend, and it was a plan. And that weekend, I got the reminder of how often I take the role of guide, and step up in whatever way is necessary.  The night before the faire, Puppy couldn't make a single decision about what we would do with the evening.  Because he's not as familiar with things in the area anymore, I tried throwing ideas at him that he hasn't known about, but he had the same approval of them all, rather than having one that jumped out.  Eventually I just told him to head to a place down the road that I knew he'd enjoy, as well as having to make the final decision on everyth

 It's been a year since I wrote that letter to Kitty.  A year to process losing one of the few people in my life that I've ever called my best friend.  Losing someone who was a rock of mine for so long, and seeing him disappear.  And that was the hardest part of it in many ways.  There wasn't something where we grew apart while having contact.  There was just that disappearance on his end (on top of other things) that made it so hard. And with having dealt with that for so long, as well as the silence after the letter (as I still haven't heard a word from him since Oct2020) it's apparently left its own obstacles for me. While I'm still incredibly patient with the important people in my life, and don't need a lot in the scale of things, I'm learning that little reassurances mean a lot.  Especially for the people I don't get to share space with often, little things like sending a link or a gif can be entirely comforting.  Sometimes though, I do still j

 Recently, there was a night where Puppy couldn't get to sleep, and it wasn't yet my normal bed time, so we were chatting.  We were talking about a handful of things from when we were young, and I was explaining about how it has affected how I view people in my life now, because of the poor examples and situations I had growing up.   As a response, rather than saying he's grateful that I've learned to put so much care into people who are decent to me now, or that I've figured out how to navigate things in a healthier way than I'd been taught by my family, he made a comment that had me go off on him a little.  He just said that he was hoping that while he and I have a friendship, he manages to put more of his optimism into my life, because he thinks I deserve.  And he's often commented about how I should just find something to be happy about because he doesn't like me being upset, on several occasions before this. Which put me solidly in the camp that I c