A New Devious Chapter

 Amidst it all, we have even rockier roads.   I found out last minute that the weekend after Chanukah had Squishy going up to her father for one last visit before Christmas.  I had enough things to do that I would have been busy at home, but told Rabbit about her leaving as soon as I knew.  Without pause, he asked if he could come get me for the weekend.  I brought up his returning to work, and so it sat in limbo a bit, but I told him that instead of getting specific things I needed to do, I could accomplish some other tasks which would make a lot easier. Rabbit had prep to do for returning to work, and still needed to finish the yard after the neighbor filed complaints.  Where I had intended to get other things done, I wound up helping with that all weekend, after we had said things were more relaxed than we thought, and there were other things that I needed to get done.  We also wanted to go and spend time together, having not had the chance to ...

 After all of the explosions on all sides, I had two days home to try and get things done before heading out with Rabbit again.  I was suddenly dumped with the mental load of a home that expected me to do without any regard for anything, and it was quickly affecting me.  Even with everything we were juggling out at Rabbit's, I found it easier on my mental state than just being home for two days.  He saw what was happening, and felt badly for me.  I explained that this has been what I was raised to think was normal, and he immediately felt stressed about it, and wanted to get me out of the house and moved in with him. However, we got Squishy home from school, and all packed up to head out.  The plan, even with the obstacles, was to have dinner with his parents for Chanukah, and then the next day he could tackle the yard while we cleaned in the house, and then have a Friday dinner at his place.  Most of his parents' friends weren't feeling up to celebrat...

 I was supposed to have one and a half weeks between Thanksgiving and Channukah.  That time was meant to be used for a thousand things, caught in the juggle of catching up with everything I make, gifts, holidays, parenting, and general life.  Every day was going to be nonstop, but I had a plan for it all. The Friday before Channukah I called Rabbit to wake him up, and within an hour he found out that a neighbor who was consistently hollering at him over nothing, or calling the cops on things that wasn't him had filed with the township about his front yard being "unsightly".  He also got told by one of his new roommates that he wasn't able to make rent, and had to deal with a someone showing up to do some pest treatments.  As he was driving away from all this, he got a call saying animal control was there, because the same neighbor had filed another complaint about noise and the yard being a "health hazard" due to smell and feces, which is interesting conside...

 Coming into Thanksgiving I went a bit into overdrive.  I had so much I knew I was going to need to juggle, with the coming holidays, everything that I now balance, two homes to be present for, and everything else.  I had project after project being piled upon me, as well as the mental load of both houses, and the increasing physical load of my own house. Where it should have been an easy week, I was rather nonstop leading up to heading out for the holiday.  My parents were pushing guilt up to the last minute, as though I would change my plans and stay home just so they could treat me poorly and feel better about themselves.  I left, despite some bumps in the road, and had a fairly peaceful holiday.  It didn't quite go as planned for anyone, but could have been far worse, and we felt a little better by the end of it. I got home knowing I would be busy.  I had a lot of projects to finish, and they needed to be done quickly to work with a different deadl...

 Thanksgiving may have been last week, but that doesn't mean it isn't time to show appreciation.   This year especially, I have a mix of things to be grateful for.  While I want to talk about the year as a whole soon, I can certainly be thankful now. I am thankful for drive, motivation, and inspiration.  Having a partner with ADHD means that I've seen what finite energy looks like, as well as the freezing, or inability to self start.  I've learned that not only do I manage to gather ideas as the people with ADHD can, but I have the drive to start them and stick to it.  I also manage to keep up with more than most people can due to my time management. And while mentioning ADHD, I'm grateful for my desire to learn, more than most years.  By knowing that Rabbit is diagnosed, I have something to learn about, and where I would normally be frustrated, I understand where our minds work differently, and likewise can try to find ways to help him function, ...

I got home from my week with Rabbit, with only just over a week to go before Thanksgiving.  By the end of the week we had mostly settled after the situation early on, but with so much that had to happen during the week, we still wanted time, and had some lingering anxiousness. Before starting the drive, we talked about it, and he was sharing that he was feeling guilty about things turning out the way I had thought they might.  I told him that we had adjusted during the week, and we made sure we got time together every day.  Then we asked if we each felt we had gotten what we wanted to out of the week.  While we wished we had the chance to go do something together, we were grateful for the time, and he was feeling productive, and like he was moving towards better and healthier habits. Overall, we were finding enough positive in the week, and agreed that what we needed was a day where we just spend time for us soon.  Much like the weekend we took for our anniversa...

 I spent the week after Halloween at Rabbit's, after many speedbumps and difficult brain spaces in the time beforehand.  We got there, and had some things set up, but with his back still acting up, we didn't get to make the plans for the week that we had wanted.  What I needed was decompression, and I didn't know how I was going to get that. What had stacked onto things, was that on top of our sleep schedules still being very different, a new game had come out that was basically a remake of something Rabbit played a lot.  It was something that needed a lot of time, and consistent time in that was keeping him strapped to a computer most of the day.  So a few days into the visit, he went to show me something, and commented that I didn't want to hear about it.   Something I should point out, was that of the majority of the time that the gnome was living with me after Squishy was born, he was unemployed.  Rather than taking care of the child he forced...

 In many ways, I've gotten better over the last year while in a healthy relationship.  Rabbit and I have given each other a space to be our ugliest selves without judgement, and without any risk of the other person running away.  It's allowed us to confront parts of ourselves that we didn't realize were aspects of trauma, so that we can grow and have a chance to truly heal. And in many ways, it's been beneficial.  It drives me to be better for him, better for me, and better for us, while allowing me to reflect and see how much change has occurred since our relationship began.  I find that I don't have anywhere near the anxiety about speaking up that I did, nor the fear of conflict or having needs in general that I used to have.  I'm able to just be happy in a relationship, and look forward to the future, while also enjoying the present. What it unfortunately also does though, is make everything that isn't being tended to feel raw.  No longer shoved awa...

For wanting October to be calm, there was so much to juggle and adjust for, and we've managed to find the silver linings in all of it, or make the best of what we could.  In many ways, we're recovering slowly, but things are tough, and I'm put in a lot of situations that are forcing my hand in ways that I don't want to so soon. A brighter part is that I may stop posting here as much.  I still want to try and write up a post a week in order to help me process my own thoughts and stay organized, but I've decided to pick up a monthly vlog, and so I may not need to write here as a trade off.  It's appearing to be more difficult to try and get the video clips than anything, but I'm sure that will get easier with time. I'm trying to get more ahead with things like writing, drawing, and making videos to help with the busy holidays coming.  With my house still having zero intention of doing the cookiepocalypse again, I'm sad, but it is giving me extra time t...

 We knew that Squishy had a long weekend, and so initially we were planning to have him visit for a couple of days, then we would do the long weekend out his way.  He then decided that he wanted a break away from the house and for us to spend the time at my place, but we would do one night at his parents, so that we could still go to the doctor and have Friday dinner. And at first things were great, with Rabbit finding a new guitar, which meant that I got to enjoy the sound of it, and have lots of time together.  We made our way out to his parents, and enjoyed an evening with them, and woke up Saturday morning.  As we went downstairs, we heard the news on, and found out about everything going on where his family is.  We were worried, and trying to hear from everyone to know they were safe.  The conversation needed to happen about trying to find space for whoever felt they needed to come over if they couldn't stay safe out there. Because it was still part of...

 Things have been difficult at best not between Rabbit and I, but in our homes.  He's had his back injury, and some poor health choices that lead to him getting bells palsy, which is slow going on the healing front.  To top things off, his previous roommate who was the source of a ton of problems, brought fleas into the house, and didn't mention it until everyone was getting bit.  We tried some at home solutions, and while I was there was sticking to them and maintaining it, but as soon as I left it wasn't kept up with the same way and didn't go so well. Rabbit eventually called Terminix, and got a monthly estimate.  For the first appointment, they were six hours late, without notice.  It helped upstairs, but unfortunately, they didn't do the necessary post-care, and it didn't do anything where the issue was the worst.  He scheduled a second appointment, and they just never showed up, without any notice.  Rabbit tried to reschedule, and they could...

 Recently, Rabbit and I had our one year anniversary.  For the first time in so, so very long, I got to celebrate the length of a relationship.  As much as we have both certainly learned that the health and quality of connection mean more than the timespan, it felt good to celebrate a year passing in the way that it has.  There's been so much in the last year, and so much that we've learned and healed just by being together that this one felt big. We started the weekend with Rabbit still feeling a little guilty that we had to change plans.  Initially I had gotten us a little private cottage and we were going to go to a renaissance faire where one of my favorite drum and pipe bands was performing.  With his back however, we scratched that, and I cancelled the reservation, opting instead to get a room in a nearby historic town we've been meaning to visit together, which would be much less traveling and walking, so thereby easier on his back and legs.  I ...

 Since coming back from my last long visit to Rabbit's, there has been a lot going on, but also a return to routine with the school year starting.  It's been helpful in a lot of ways because it gives me some set time to get work done, and get through everything on my list, rather than just trying to cram things in while everyone is demanding my time. And because of that, I can get more done, and really sort out all of my priorities, as well as look at the things that will be more worth my time in the coming weeks and months.  When I know I have set time to do things, I can often get what would three weeks worth of work while at Rabbit's place all done in four days at home. So with that, I've managed in the first few weeks of September to get my youtube channel set for the rest of the calendar year.  All the audio is done, and the videos are rendered and uploaded.  It's a major thing off my list, and I have the beginning of the year planned in a way that will mak...

 We come upon another new year with the high holidays rolling through.  This year started out oddly, and certainly didn't wind up like a normal year, but was a good change of pace.  With having a Jewish partner, it means that rather than navigating things like Christmas or Easter, we need to sort out the many Jewish holidays, on who goes where, and how we celebrate. My family as a whole more or less has been threatened by their doctor to finally behave like diabetics, and so they've been much more strict with their diet.  Going up to the holidays, as my mother makes the exact same things for every holiday she was incredibly clueless.  When I offered to make two or three things (which she wouldn't have to put in any work for) she tried to stop me from cooking, and I said that it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying seven little containers of each tiny thing.  That made her quiet down, and so it very clearly became another holiday that I would cook ev...

 A year ago we were a mess of conversation and unsureness.  Rabbit had nervously pushed out the words to say that he had feelings for me, and we spent the following weeks discussing the things we thought we wanted or needed.  There were conversations about fears, obstacles, concerns, and many other things to lay down groundwork of a clear and healthy foundation. It was also the birth of things like Team Ice Cream, threatening to run away to Germany, and being doomed all over the world.  Ultimately, he laid the final decision in my hand each time, and I not only decided that we needed to give things a try, but likewise that we needed to ignore the timeline that we had wound up putting in someone else's hands.  It's a good thing that I did the latter too, because it would have meant waiting until late spring to officially be together at all. And so we began the last year.  A year of discovery, pain, change, difficulty, work, and stress.  We've had health...

 I wasn't back for long, and the state that I was in before rushing off to Rabbit's came right back.  Just after getting home was my sister's birthday, and I had to do everything for it, because no one else knew how.  While I was in the middle of putting that together, I let Oliver out, and he got some baby birds, so while cooking, the old man was yelling at me for not being outside with him.  As though I could do both.  That day didn't get much easier, but in the following days, things got worse.   My parents were treating me like I had to be constantly doing six things for them at all times, without any real break.  At the same time, I was trying to get Squishy through the end of summer, and the first days of school, and try to keep up with all my stores and channels.  To top it off, Rabbit has things going on at home that I was helping maintain, but I wasn't able to completely solve them, and now he's unable to keep up with the maintenance...

While Rabbit is trying to heal, there are times when he needs to be able to stretch for the comfort of his leg and back, and he is choosing to do that in VR.  He can feel like he's running and jumping around like a normal person.  Evenings in particular are difficult for him, as his back is strained from going about the day.  This means that most of the night I would be alone while at his place. At the same time, I needed to be on top of my sleep schedule due to Squishy starting school soon.  I was making sure to go to bed by a certain time, and had an alarm for far earlier than Rabbit was waking up.  In some ways, this was nice, because I was able to get a lot of my work done in this time, without having to enforce that time alone.  It however meant that outside of going to appointments, or running errands together, we had little more than mealtimes sharing space, and with both of us being home, and it being my last long stint there for a while, I was feel...

 One of the things that I was concerned about with this last visit to Rabbit's, especially with his still being injured, was getting to be able to get work done.  I'm used to holing up at his place when he has a long work day, but having to get things done with him there hasn't worked the best in the past.  Between wanting to spend time with each other, him not being able to do much without my being present, and things going on in the house that have some spaces less friendly right now, I was incredibly worried about getting things done. The last visit, when he first wound up out of work resulted in me not getting anything done other than necessary product postings for two weeks.  I couldn't take that time off again, knowing that while I was ahead on some things, I was also quickly catching up to deadlines on others.  It wasn't going to look good if this visit also resulted in my not being able to get things made and done.  So I told him leading up to the v...

 I got home from my long visit with Rabbit and found myself missing him, despite all the anxiety and lack of space due to his injury and being out of work.  At the same time, I was swamped with things at home and the stress there.  Top that off with needing to catch up from two weeks of not working, and it meant I was no recovering well from the mental state I went home in.  For several days I barely got anything I needed to finished at all, just because I was being dragged around for whatever my parents wanted. After about the first week, I managed to be able to get some work in though, and was getting back to some routine.  I was just about on top of things as much as I needed to be, and then things changed.  Rabbit had people moving in and out of the house, who weren't doing anything near what they needed to.  He couldn't move much, or lift anything, which had him feeling horrible, and didn't help the situation we were trying to get out of. On my en...

 After waiting and contemplating, I pulled the trigger.  I spent a miniscule amount next to most, but ordered one of the most important things I probably ever would.  They were coming from Ukraine, which I found endearing considering the current situation, and the shipping window meant I could reliably have them sent to Rabbit's address, and know they would show up while I was there. And then, the wait.  We knew about them, and I told him about it, which had him exceedingly joyful despite the pain he was in.  I then had the moments where the excitement wore down, and I learned how much that love ebbs and flows as a choice, and one I found myself continuing to happily make rather than simply being attached.  Weeks went on, and then I went off to Rabbit's, wondering still when they would show up. A few days later, I got notice that they were delayed by a few days.  Worry set in, due to the delivery window.  I didn't want them to show up right after ...

 Months ago, I picked up tickets for what I had wanted to do for my birthday.  Initially, it was supposed to be open well beforehand, but then as time crept forward, I noticed myself being more set on what normally happens, and didn't expect it to open.  I was sad, but tried to find a backup plan, and unfortunately couldn't find something.   Then with Rabbit's leg and back, and him going out of work, I knew that most things we wouldn't be able to do.  However, where we had thought we only had a certain day, this meant we had more time if we did find something.  That's when I saw a message about the soft opening of where I had bought tickets for.  Rabbit offered to still go, but he could barely do ten minutes in the car, and the thing involved crawling and exploring.  I wanted the both of us to be able to run around and explore, so as much as he pushed, I told him that because the tickets were good for a year, we would have plenty of time. So ...

 I'm home from my month with Rabbit, and while not the month we wanted, it was certainly eventful, and an overall good experience.  We both came out of it happy to not feel done with each other, and still wanting to curl up and spend time together after so long.  At the same time, it was a tough month overall. Rabbit has had some issues with his back and leg since we went to Israel.  They started to get better after a few weeks of us being home, and then it started getting worse again.  A week or so into my visit, he could barely get through a work day, and often came home early.  After some plans went awry with one doctor, we finally got to a chiropractor to start having him get better.  The one we wound up seeing actually wound up being fantastic, and told us that it was something that would completely heal, but wound take time. That meant he would be out of work, which started with a single week off, and has now turned into short term disability whi...

 I've had a lot of general anxiety lately, over the past weeks and months, creeping into almost every day.  It makes it difficult to get through a lot of things, with the chasing feelings of guilt, shame, and lack of worth.  Needless to say, it makes a just getting through the day an uphill battle some days, and there's only so much I can do to help. Just before heading to Rabbit for this long month, I was reminded of something called a "Glimmer" which is like the opposite of a trigger.  It brings joy to see, hear, or experience, in it's truest form.  While anxiety means that sometimes it's hard to remember these things exist, or that I should seek them out, I've been thinking about them more, and trying to remember to keep them on hand. Simple things like reading a fun book, or blasting weird music.  Getting to play with recipes, or find new projects.  The feel and smell of leather, or getting to enjoy a cigar.  Sweet fresh fruit, or just getting...

There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit.  I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want.  It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons. I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole.  Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision.  Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein.  The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life.  And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time. And it had me think...

The day that Rabbit was feeling overwhelmed, we first went to drop off something to my brother.  Squishy had plans to go meet friends, so we didn't have to be up and moving super early like we normally would during the school year.  When we did get out the door though, we initially had plans, but it didn't quite work out.   However, while on the ride, I don't remember what prompted it, but something came up that had Rabbit saying about how he didn't need group sex anymore because he had me, and that I wasn't interested in it.  I told him that regardless of me, if he wanted to do something, we'd figure out a safe way to go about it that made us both comfortable and happy.  He assured me that if he wanted to, he would tell me, and that he understood that I wouldn't provide everything he might ever want, just like how I couldn't do some things for him.  Then he gave the example that he couldn't do impact the way I want, because I don't see him that ...

 After the weekend of madness that was Rabbit's birthday and my parents travelling, I had what I was hoping to be a little over a month until my next big thing.  With Squishy having the idea that living with the gnome will magically make everything better, I decided to send her there for a month.  It would be longer than a visit, and would actually give her an idea of what it would be like living there.  Rabbit immediately saw that as a chance for me to spend a long time with him, and while initially I was planning on doing a few days at home first, it would be a long process to get to that. At the beginning of the month there was a scramble to get things done at Rabbit's place.  He has been on his last thread with the friend who moved in at the beginning of the pandemic, for many reasons, and recently made the decision to let two other friends move in.  That did however mean moving himself from having a bedroom and a music room to just having one room down...

 While I'm finally getting back to being productive with a lot of things, and finding my way in juggling everything I do, I'm also taking on even more new things this month.  I'm writing for more platforms, sharing some writing amongst different platforms, and at the same time, trying to figure out the logistics of all these things.  That means design projects, timeline organization, as well as figuring exactly how much time I have, and will need to do all of these things. To top that off, I'm trying to do more to take care of myself at the same time again.  With so much travel back and forth, I tend to quickly let go of physical care for me, and that isn't the best in the long run.  I'm trying to make sure I integrate that into my day as well, and I need to figure out how that can stay a habit even when I travel, because summer means more long stays with Rabbit. So many new things also means that I need to remember the things that are a little less urgent or fi...

As I continue to get caught up on things here, I was reminded of something that happened about a week before leaving for Israel.  There was a massive relationship landmark, which for many, would now consider Rabbit and I, nearly eight months in at the time, to have a real relationship finally.  Amusingly enough, we didn't even realize it at the time, but we wound up having our first fight.  And of all things, it was about money in a way, which makes it count double. Leading up to the trip, I had wanted to send Rabbit money to cover expenses.  His parents wanted me to pay them back for the ticket, which I was prepared for, and likewise intended to pay for everything else I did.  We both use different platforms to send funds normally, so I asked him to set up one so that I could send him money, and brought it up regularly, in the months and weeks leading up to the trip. Well, while many times he legitimately forgot, and I try to stay patient because he can't juggl...

 It took a few weeks after traveling, honestly.  With trying to get everything as caught up and ahead as it needed to be, and juggling preparation for a major trip, I was constantly working at my maximum for the weeks leading up to Israel.  Then while I had intended to get some things done, I only worked for maybe two hours total in those two weeks, along with the frantically changing plans due to things happening as soon as we were back in the states. The first week back was a hobble of a return to routine.  I was doing the things I needed to do, sure.  I got Squishy off to school every day, but jet lag had me getting tired early.  Anything that had a deadline was being met, but anything extra in those beginning days, I just didn't have the energy for.  Luckily, I had prepared for that, and was ahead on as much as possible for the entirety of May.  Knowing I'd only have about a week home before another night at Rabbit's and having to do some prep...

While in Israel, I was talking to my mother, and she mentioned an old friend was cleaning her pond, and wound up shattering her ankle.  She would need some heavy surgery, and my parents intended to go out there for a couple of days to help give a hand as she recovered.  I told her we would look at dates once I got home, but I planned to be gone for most of the weekend after I returned, because it was Rabbit's birthday.  She asked for then twentieth time when his birthday was, and I reminded her, with the same landmark of being the day after my grandmother. A few days later and I'm back in the states.  We have a day or so to recover from jet lag, but rather than just some relaxing sleep and getting through a mountain of laundry, Rabbit was in the middle of moving rooms around, due to some roommate issues, and other friends moving in.  We got a call during our trip that had Rabbit dreading conversations that needed to happen, and were keeping him from sleeping....

 I'm finally home from my trip to Israel with Rabbit.  We spent ten days halfway across the world together, spending very little time apart, navigating new things, airports, long days, and family gatherings.  I will admit that while I wasn't all that worried about spending the time together, it was a major thing, and would definitely be a test of our relationship. However, the entire time, we were close, and happy, and consistently affectionate with each other.  His parents kept sending us off places, seeing us holding hands, talking, sharing stories, and excited to experience things.  For a trip where we were walking about fifteen miles a day, in heavy heat, and doing fairly intense things, and in awkward situations, we ultimately had each other's best interest at heart, and wanted to take care of each other no matter what was happening. And we saw so much.  I feel like I got a birthright tour in a week and a half, with a wedding somewhere in the middle....