A New Devious Chapter

 I want to end this year with something that I've been thinking about a lot lately.  Especially with what I spoke about last time in regards to Felix, I've been doing a lot of contemplating on the concepts of relationship anarchy. Realistically, this is something I've been doing for years.  Just in having the dynamic I do with Lux, where we are happily cultivating our own sort of relationship, without the usual expectations and steps like cohabitation and the like.  We've instead focused on doing what's healthiest for us both, so that we can be sure that whatever we're doing is best for us in the long run. I love unique relationships.  Things that are free of the normal ideas of how partnership is shaped, and instead created based on the needs and resources of those involved.  I love letting things shape themselves organically, without putting someone into a pre-labeled box. When everyone knows they have their own form of relationship, it helps create a spa...

 Last month had that one week of the year where I keep losing people.  The anniversary of Frankie, and numerous others. And while I was doing my rewatch of Buffy, I got to the musical episode.  Something I had been looking forward to from the moment I decided to do the rewatch.  It didn't quite work as intended though.  What started off as me singing along loudly, quickly turned into a thought spiral.   Last year, Felix passed away.  Right in the beginning of the pandemic, when it was one thing and another, without the time to process any of it.  And as much as I made some comments about him when it would come up in conversation, I never really took the time to sit with losing him.  Suddenly, I was singing along to something he and I shared together.  We would randomly full songs together, had plans to do with that episode, and felt true joy when singing together.  And in a moment, I went to gleeful, to confronting the fact tha...

 About a month ago now, I finally had some time to have Zero over for the birthday fire we had planned to have in the summer.  It wound up being a long evening with him and his spouse, who no one is terribly fond of.   And every time I see him lately, I realize more and more how little growth he's done. He's on medical marijuana now, and claiming it's made him all better.  But he's still not doing anything he knows he should until he's told that he has to.  It's made it not so he has an urge to do better, but made him happy with complacency.  He traded drinking as a coping mechanism with one a doctor told him was ok, and telling himself that it's fixed everything. I also took the time to look at his relationship.  His spouse has only become more and more of an empty human.  She has zero interests that aren't ones he had first, and all of those are things she barely touches.  To top it off, anything she does she has minimal skill with, bu...

 The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind, on all fronts. Squishy has been getting dental work done while with the gnome, and not only was it causing her to lose days of school, but the orthodontist has been doing things to her that make zero sense, and even less when I actually go to look up more about the process.  Because the gnome is sucked into having some manner of procedure done on himself, he's been avoiding talking to me so I can tell him to take her to just remove everything and be done. On top of that, we had two major holidays in two weeks.  Thanksgiving was simple, and fairly quiet, but with that start a week of complete madness.  The following days meant prepping for Channukah, putting up the Christmas decorations, getting gifts wrapped, the cookiepocalypse, cookie boxes, and a hundred other things.  I've been responsible for the vast majority of it, with Squishy only being more difficult every day, my father screaming at everyone constan...

 Something interesting about my talk with Lux about No Nut November, was that I had recently had some slightly related conversation with Puppy a week or so prior.  We were in the process of sort of updating mental notes on each other, and seeing what may have changed, and so I needed to start the conversation about how I don't get anything from, and don't often cum. I've talked about it a handful of times here before, but it's always a conversation that I need to have with others, because it's so far from what would be considered normal. And that was made apparent by his response.  Saying that he was still going to try, because he wanted to have a bar to aim for, seemed in and of itself to miss the mark.  And no matter how much I told him, he seemed intent on that being his goal (and also that he was going to satisfy my constantly wanting sex, which, I know how that's always ended in the past with others). It took me just telling him to set the goal at having fu...

 While normally I would use this week to talk about all the things I'm grateful for over the course of the year, I had an entertaining conversation that made me realize something a couple of weeks back that fits here instead. One of those things I should have realized was a sign towards my gender was that most of my friends were guys growing up.  Once I hit about nine years old, the balance slowly shifted from having an all female friend group, to only having one or two friends who were girls, and all the rest were boys.  Likewise, as I got older, and went and did more, I wound up forming friendships with guys who were older. And yes, my parents went through the overly paranoid phase of thinking they would all take advantage of me, or use me for ulterior motives within a month or so of being friends.  That they were all going to hurt me, and were dangerous, and weren't actually friends.  But then they stuck around.  Not only that, but I took a role of being...

 Near the beginning of the month, Lux and I had a conversation about the idea of No Nut November.  That doing things like forcing orgasms, or prohibiting them shouldn't happen, because it stifles us being our sexual selves, in either direction.   And while yes, we should be free to be whoever we are sexually, I think taking chunks of time to explore things with a different framework can be beneficial.  Much like how over the years, I've found more enjoyment out of several holidays, by utilizing them in ways that are far from what we've been taught is standard. Rather than a full month of abstinence from all sexual contact, maybe we need a month where we simply remove orgasm.  To encourage contact, physical intimacy, and sex, but without the pressure to have it result in cumming.  Rather than a limit, to look at it as a time to explore, enjoy, and bond without that race to the finish that most people find in sex. For so many people the bar to aim for is...

 I've been rewatching Buffy over the last couple of weeks.  A full watch of the series, in order, which is something I don't think I've ever actually done.  It's been good seeing that some of my favorite things are still great, that there are some parts I'm still not fond of, and seeing just how low budget many parts of this were. But one plot device made me more annoyed than anything, especially with what they continued to do with it as the series went on. In Season two, the big bad was Angelus.  The true vampire mind of Buffy's boyfriend, Angel, once the soul cursed upon him was removed.  Buffy needs to confront her boyfriend, who is now a merciless sadist, bent on destroying the world, and trying to drive people to madness in the process. The thing that broke the curse mind you, was one moment of true happiness.  Otherwise he would be forced to constantly suffer with the possession of a soul. And the thing that causes that happiness?  Taking Buffy's...

 Normally this week, I would want to try to spend time with Lux, and I do, but with him dealing with some things, he didn't have the spoons to have me there for a week and take care of planning and such.  Not wanting to lose out on seeing someone during Halloween weekend, I wanted to still do something.  Puppy asked about my availability in the next few weeks, so we decided to spend the last weekend together, because we both needed some calm hangout time with things going on, or things that will happen. So on a rainy night, we made the trek back out to Philly again.  We had no real plans, just that we wanted to have some drinks, he had school work to do, and we would relax together. He asked if I wanted to go do anything for Halloween, and I told him that I still wasn't comfortable with big gatherings yet, especially out where people would potentially be unmasked.  Top that with the number of accidents we saw on our way back from grabbing bagels, and we were qui...

 It's the time of year that even though there's new things coming out, and I should be getting caught up on media for other writing projects, I've been wanting to rewatch a lot of things I enjoy.  Spooky Halloween movies, old comfort things, just wanting to return to what I've seen, rather than the constant intake of new stimulus. And when I check these out again, I find myself remembering how many of the characters I enjoy.  How many of these characters all of bits of similarity.  More importantly, how many of these characters in many ways shaped who I am. I never identified with princesses and heroes.  I found myself liking the characters who were having fun.  The ones that thrived in chaos, and may have been villains in some cases, but when the cards were down, often found themselves having solidly good qualities.  Over the years, as much as I've grown with time, that's never not been the case for me.  No matter what happens, I've always tried ...

 I found myself missing people the other day.  Missing Felix, and Frankie, people who left, and people who tore themselves away.  I miss the connections we had, whether the ones we'd built, or the ones we intended to. And perhaps it's the time of year.  Next month marks seventeen years since Frankie passed away, and with all the shadowcasts of Rocky Horror happening for Halloween, I can't help but think of Felix, after he spent the majority of his life doing it.   It makes me a little sad, especially after spending a weekend with Puppy after so long.  If he and I could get back to the friendship we had in twenty four hours, but with far more maturity and knowledge that we'd gained during the years apart, it makes me wonder what I would have with any of them.  If it was for the best that they're gone, or we drifted apart, or if either of us just needed to grow a little more. Interestingly enough, I am well enough adjusted with this to not miss peop...

 I'm pretty sure I mentioned a beach episode a couple of weeks ago, and looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons.  That I had wanted to take advantage of a long weekend, see Lux after not getting to for a couple of months, and have a good reset.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling well though, and couldn't join us, so we decided to postpone. And so I was left with a long weekend and no plans. I poked around a little, to no avail, trying to find a way to take advantage of this time, and enjoy some company. Meanwhile, a Puppy friend of mine and I have been slowly talking more over the last year.  We had a falling out due to things that happened on both our parts, which caused us to have a divide for a good while.  He's also had a hell of a year, with going through a hard breakup with someone who fucked him over mentally, got injured and needed surgery, started juggling both school and work, and just recently is dealing with loss.  I've tried to be more...

 For the first time here, I am gonna be writing about some spoilers. Last summer, I picked up watching Lucifer.  At the recommendation of Kitty, I dove in, and found it entertaining.  At that point, I was only able to watch up to the first half of season five, but looked forward to seeing the other half, and then the final season, wondering how it would be tied up. And recently, the final season did drop.  It took me a bit, but I finally got to it, watching it over the course of a week or so.  There were some incredibly vital themes to it that I loved, including covering things like systemic racism, racial profiling, police brutality, and corruption. However, the main theme of the season left me feeling many things. Lucifer's daughter from the future apparently gets so angry with him that she travels back in time.  She confronts him, ready to kill him, but instead gives him a chance, telling him that he abandons her for her entire life.  Over the cours...

 I was recently talking to a vanilla friend who went through a hard breakup last year.  While chatting about various things, he mentioned acknowledging that he's polyamorous, and intending to explore that space once he's ready to date again.  I extended the offer to share what I know, my experiences, and help him sort of navigate what he thinks he's looking for before he actually starts looking, so it's easier for him to be clear with any possible future partners. And then I mentioned to him something that I hadn't really considered.  With dumping Kitty, and only having one partner, it's strangely going to make it more difficult to find additional partners.  One very long term partner can be intimidating to other people, who may think they're going to be tossed aside, or treated like they're unimportant next to the older partner.  It doesn't matter that they're wrong, and it shows that they aren't worth trying with, but it's a logical tho...

 A lot is happening.  I'm trying to juggle it all while still processing what happened a couple of weeks ago. While dealing with my parents, I'm finally getting around to launching the audio project I wanted to start earlier this year.  I decided not to wait until I could get a better mic, and instead started recording with the headset I have, and learning how to edit as I go.  The more I record, the better I'm getting at pacing things out, and learning how to be better at both the recording process, and the editing process.  Posting the first one wasn't the easiest thing ever, because ko-fi wound up being incredibly difficult despite my expectations for the platform.  However, I'd like to figure out how to do more there, so hopefully they get their shit figured out sooner rather than later.   I'm redrawing many of my books so that I can sell them in a digital format.  That, combined with not having to offer them on amazon will hopefully help...

 When I was younger, I remember enjoying being angry all the time.  With how my life at home has always been, I realize more and more that anger was the only thing that I was generally free to feel, because I was being put through so much else. And as I've gotten older, I didn't want to feel angry all the time.  I wanted to find joy in things, and learn to acknowledge the things I deal with, but find balance, and allow myself happiness where I could find it.  It resulted in me feeling angry far less, and subsequently feeling better about myself in the long run, wanting to take care of myself far more than I had been. This year however, has brought me more rage than I have felt in so long.  Between the beginning of the year, which I posted about, and how people have been behaving overall, I'm just sitting at a simmer of anger at everything. While looking at Twitter, I found someone saying that unvaccinated people were being treated like Jews in the holocaust....

 I'm fried. Since coming home from my trip to see Lux, only a couple of days after I got home, I've had more and more piled onto me that's put my stress levels through the roof.  Squishy has been behaving similarly to last summer, with some even worse things happening, and the gnome is just now realizing what she was doing, reacting poorly toward her which is making things worse, and now minimizing what I dealt with because he had to deal with a whole week at a shot of her being difficult. My parents have been horrendous lately.  I've been trying to manage things happening, and reminding my mother of dates and things that need to be done, and she's either not giving an answer to things until the last minute (then getting upset when someone can't make it to something), or completely ignoring time and what is happening when.  It's made harder because where I can take things on to help, and have generally done so, I need this information from her in order to kn...

 I intend to take more classes than I often actually get to.  Sometimes I forget to go looking for them, or sometimes life happens and I forget that there was even a class that day until the evening, when I realize it ended six hours earlier. When I do get to them, it's a mixed experience.  There are times when I know I'm going in just to get information to better help my own classes, with seeing how things are worded, or finding points that I would only touch on, but should instead make a focus.  There are also classes that I find go far too 101 for anyone to really feel engaged with. Sometimes though, we get classes that cover things that we know going in, but are the right reminder at the right time.  And I had one of those recently. Around the same time as what happened in my last post, I sat in on a class about owning one's submissive identity.  It didn't cover many topics that were earth-shatteringly new, but instead posed questions that encouraged fi...

While I was at Lux's we watched a youtube video someone put up that after watching, I found myself wanting to do some writing on the subject as well.  Something that I felt some pull to share my own experiences with, because while it seemed obvious to Lux after this long, most people don't know how to navigate.  I had been having some issues with it recently, and thought that perhaps if I shared some information about it, things might have more potential to go well in the future. It took a bit before I finally sat down the write it, but once I looked at the first draft, I sent it to Lux in hopes that he would give it another set of eyes.  The piece itself definitely needed a readover by someone else before I could post it somewhere. The next day, I asked him if he had looked at it, and he said that he hadn't.  I assured him that there was no rush, but he made sure to say that because he said he would do it, he would be sure to do it that night. And when I read that s...

 In  the past month or so, I've managed to have a lot of small moments that really hit hard.  For the most part, they've been really positive, so I want to make sure that I share them here.  They're all a bit different though, which makes me think they'd all make decent posts individually. The first one happened when Lux was here near July 4th.  The week prior I was doing a heavy clean up on my room, and put together all the things that were his that he had forgotten forever, because I was just holding them aside in various places.  Since I was trying to really sort through things, I made up a little bag of it all, and the book I had suggested he read, to give to him when I saw him. And because I am made of anxiety, I worried about doing this.  That he would take the wrong idea from it, and think I was cutting ties in whatever way.  I had second thoughts on giving him back his own things, because I was worried about how he would respond. When he g...

 I'm home now, and trying to get back to routine, and sorted out for the coming weeks.  I was ready to go home and get back to getting things done, and return to my life, but at the same time, it was hard to leave after two years without a long visit like that, and knowing when I would have the chance for it again.  We're very unlikely to let things take that long again though, which is affirming. Not everything was wonderful though.  On one of my last nights there, Lux had said we would play.  More than just some rough body play, we would use toys, and spend time for a right proper whoopin'.  I cleaned up a bit during the day, and we did a grocery order so that I could make pizza for us for dinner.  Unfortunately, as we sat down to play a silly game, and enjoy the pizza, he got called last minute to essentially work an all nighter. At first I was hoping that we would have time in between the bits of work that he had mentioned.  I didn't realize t...

 I'm currently at Lux's, on my first long visit just to see him in about two years.  Between the pandemic, and needing schedules to line up, until his recent visit to me, the only thing we've been able to do are those short little overnights at my place. There's certainly been a bit of adjustment again, as we get used to living around each other.  Things like sharing a bed in an apartment I haven't visited to before, and getting things done in a new office space together.  We adjust quickly though, knowing how to work with the other at this point, for the most part anyway.   It's a good break from some things, and I think a necessary change of pace for us both.  There's been lots of little reassurances for us just being us, and moments of talking about where we want different things to go.  Quiet moments of ambition and desire that make me feel happy and driven to make everything work. We also took a day to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a...

 I noticed myself feeling a certain way after visiting Dansa, and having Scar visit.  I had finished my books for the year, after drawing and editing like mad.  I had then hopped onto making chainmail, which had me working through thousands of rings in just a few days. I was burning out on creating things, and wanted to put those down, but know that I need some sort of projects to work on or I start feeling a bit crappy as well. Well, Squishy left and I started cleaning through my room.  A heavy deep clean through all of my things, and sorting everything out that had found the wrong home.  In looking about, I wound up finding more of my supplies.  This time, some mohair that I had intended to give to Pyre to dye, as well as all my cord and embroidery thread. It reminded me of how much I do, and how much I make.  I decided to make a collection of kumihimo pieces, and made a small shawl in hopes of selling it soon.  Seeing it also made me remember t...

After the blow up my father had, I was honestly in a bit of an unhealthy space.  I didn't feel safe in my own home, and my mother was also frustrated with him over trying to make plans to travel.  She was ready to drop the possibility of a trip altogether, because he was fixated on doing one specific thing, which she didn't really want to do. Surprise, they did what he wanted anyway, but they were gone for a handful of days, which gave me a break from them, and allowed me to actually feel like I had my own space, in some ways.  Oliver and I managed perfectly well together, and in many ways my mind used it as a way to force a self care break of just not doing for a few days. Lux also visited, and we spent more time together without doing anything in particular than we'd had in almost two years.  Because of the pandemic, we'd only had shorter visits with each other, so it was good to have time when as soon as I saw him, I wasn't already concerned with when he would le...

 As soon as Squishy left for her first span of time with the gnome this summer, the old man had a massive blowup towards me.  I never even said a full sentence to him, and tried to be calm, and he wound up screaming so that the room shook, saying things with a clearly malicious intent.  Without going into much more detail about it, the situation was bad enough that while I was in tears outside, afraid to go into my own home, Oliver was pacing in front of me watching the door to the house guarding me. Later that night, after I had informed my mom what happened, he came into my room and said he was sorry.  While shrugging, he just said "We were exchanging words and it got heated". I had nothing to say on the matter.  I couldn't tell him it was alright, or anything like that, because it wasn't.  His actions are constantly in line with that behavior, and only escalating.  Not only that, but what he had said just showed that he wasn't even aware of what had...

 Normally every Thursday I have a call with Pyre.  We catch up, and be silly, and use that time to make sure we still have contact with others.  The day of the week has changed over time, but we manage to make it happen even though we take breaks once in a while. I messaged her one week, to make sure we were still good for our video date, and she says she's at Kitty's place for the weekend.  I ask a legitimate question, knowing about some things, and she mentions it being a birthday party for Kitty, and lots of people showing up.  We talked about some manner of things that might be difficult, and that was about it. But then I realized how many times Scar could have said, when she was here two days prior, that something was happening.  She skirted around it every time, some more awkwardly than others. And, it's not that I'm upset over not being invited.  I wouldn't ever expect to be invited to the party of someone I've dumped, especially recently. ...

 I've seen more than a few times lately, the pressure society puts on others to get married.  That because two people have signed a paper, their relationship is more successful, or real than those who haven't.  How it's an expected step, and otherwise there's some amount of fear of commitment, or people just being insecure and cowardly. Now, I've spoken about how I dislike the pressure to ride the relationship and life escalators.  How it's ridiculous to expect the exact same timeline out of every human, and for them all to want the same things. However, the idea that marriage is the only thing that makes a relationship successful, and instantly makes a couple more valid than those who aren't is abhorrent.   I know so many people who got married due to pressure from one side, and then wound up being toxic or abusive.  People who did what they thought they were supposed to do because everyone was asking when they would, only to realize they were miserab...

 I mentioned a few weeks ago that I have a new student, and how they've also started selling some of the things I make.  Well, after many weeks of trying to organize and get past other things, she was able to come and visit for a bit.   Overall it was a quiet visit, but good to see her.  We talked about some plans for the future, started working on something that will hopefully sell off a good amount of the things I've already made, and had a decent class in person that let me point out where she is making progress. There's a lot of ambition in what we're doing, and hopefully we get to it all.  In the meantime though, because I wanted to get so many things done because I felt like I was falling behind, I now feel like I don't have enough.  I feel like a failure because I'm not juggling twenty thousand things, even though this week is packed with the end of the school year for Squishy. I'm hoping to find balance this summer.  To have just enough ha...

 For a while, I was trying to keep up with a side instagram.  I was posting there regularly, and it started gaining traction in some ways.  Apparently enough so that people started sending me messages.  Wound up proving to me why I need to keep everything in my life just a little separate, because people who aren't worth it definitely won't do the work. Randomly, a guy started sending me dms, and it was quite obvious that he was trying to pick me up.  I tried to steer the conversation to keep it professional and polite, while making sure to still be honest how I could.  After a few exchanges, I mentioned having a partner, and never got a response.  Completely ghosted with a single word. And while I wanted him to go away, because he was trying to pick me up without knowing anything about me, it pissed me off that he behaved that way. As soon as I had a partner, I didn't exist.  I wasn't worth anything, and he couldn't even apologize for trying to p...

 I think I've mentioned lately that I'm making a lot more things.  My books for the entire year are nearly done, and so I'm taking on more things that have me creating again.   My friend Scar, who I recently took on as a student has a store where she sells some wellness products, metaphysical goodies, and a handful of other things has said that she'll sell my chainmail, as well as potentially other things as well.  We worked out a consignment price, and just using the rings I had on hand, made her more than she said she would be able to display at a single event. I've also been doing some freelance art, which has me working with mediums that I haven't gotten to in a long time. It has me busy, which is a good thing, but certainly at a point where I'm taking on as much as I can, with all the other things happening right now.  I'm still motivated and inspired, but at the same time, I feel like I need to be constantly working on something.  When I'm not ...

 A few weeks ago, my vaccine was cooked, and I finally had the safety to go and see people again.  I didn't know who I would get to see or when, but that option was there.  And when Squishy was with the gnome for a weekend, and we had started making plans for the summer and such, I knew I was going to have a few days available over Memorial day. Most of the people I would have wanted to see were already busy, or would be getting home in the middle of that weekend, but as soon as I mentioned it to Dansa, she said she only had plans for a few hours one day.  I offered to pup-sit for her, and we had plans. It didn't kick in until the next day, that after two years, I'd be able to go up to the city and see her again.  That there was an end to this, and that I was making my way back to getting to really live again.  I would get to see people, and hug them, and be safe around my friends.  When that thought really hit, I got a little overwhelmed.  It too...

 I have a weekly call with Pyre.  Some weeks obviously it doesn't work, but we try to get in a video date every week to catch up and still have some easily digestible social time.  And while we were on a call two weeks ago, we were talking about camp.  That it was supposed to happen late summer, and that we were both rather decidedly not feeling ok with going this year. The call continued, and at a certain point someone in a group chat we're both in shared a screenshot of an announcement for camp in a few months.  And as I checked Fet and saw so many people responding and saying they were attending, I just felt very firmly like I didn't want to be there yet. I mentioned it to Lux, and he told me that he was conflicted.  That he wanted to trust the CDC, but also didn't feel safe. And I don't blame him. I think it's very normal right now to not feel safe with such a large gathering of people as camp.  Something with hundreds of people, all performing var...

 I haven't gotten to talk a lot on just general update things in a while, because I was pre-writing entries. And oof, there's been a lot, and much of it is pretty good. I've been able to stick to working out almost every day, and I've noticed myself making progress with a lot of things.  I have more energy in my day, and it helps me focus and feel better.  Likewise, it's helping me build a small bit of muscle, and get into better shape.  Trying to drop weight has slowed to a crawl, but overall I'm feeling better about my body. And on the idea of getting into better shape, I've started helping my friend Scar with her attempt to get healthier as well.  She was trying to go way too hard in the beginning, and it didn't stick for the most part, but I've been putting together personal workout sessions that will teach her belly dance, as well as be functional physical therapy, and encourage more movement into her day.  She's enjoying, and refused to do ...

 As of last weekend, my covid vaccine is cooked and in effect.  I'm now feeling ready to go and do some more things that haven't been safe for the last year plus, while still being careful to protect everyone else.  I'm looking forward to soon seeing some people I've missed, and having more options in front of me to be able to hug friends again. I'm looking forward to finding out when Squishy will be able to get her vaccine, and we are both hoping she'll be able to get at least one shot before the next school year begins.  She's been feeling a little disappointed about not being able to get vaccinated herself, which I appreciate.  While my parents may not take any of this seriously, even still, she finally has been on quite a few things, which is good. Likewise, with my father being in the hospital, he was told that he wasn't in good enough shape to get the vaccine right away.  This week he is supposed to meet with his doctor, and he'll find out if h...

 There's a lot of ways to go about being poly.  The process of having multiple partners means that you have an infinite number of factors to try and go about in a way that makes everyone happy.  While there's certainly some ways that are wrong to go about it, there's no one way that's exactly right. It was a good while back now, but it had me thinking about the idea of hierarchical poly.  Giving one partner a position and title different from another, changing levels of priority and expectation between them.  And while it's certainly not wrong, there are some people that don't like it, because they don't like that level of comparison or feeling less than anyone else. But, I think that those places will sort of happen with any polycule over time.  The demands of our lives are different, and so we seek varying things from each of our partners.  Trying to give each person the time and focus of a primary partner would take every bit of our days, leaving no...

 Sometimes, I have thoughts that pop into my head that no matter where I look, can't find what brought it on.  My mind then explores it, and tries to take it apart, and I wind up in a weird sort of space where I question a lot of things. And one night, I was contemplating gender, and what can affect it.  More specifically, our closed ideas of gender roles.  From the moment most people are born, they're told how to look, what to think, what to enjoy and how to behave purely by the genitals they have.  They're put in boxes with labels and requirements that we press on them, creating expectations that may not have anything to do with who a person is, or even healthy behaviors. It's why we have the insecure concepts of fragile toxic masculinity, like my brother refusing to use a lip balm, even if his lips were bleeding, because it might be mistaken as makeup and feminine.  Which got me thinking, if we weren't forcing thoughts on kids, and these specific ideas o...

 While I tend to have ebbs and flows with all things, given the somewhat vast spectrum of things I enjoy, I come back to anime and manga a lot, and stick to them for a while when I do.  And lately, I've had another kick of it, going in to watch some things, and read some others. And even though I'm picking up both, I somehow wound up drawn to some of the darkest of each.  Things that focus on despair, revenge, torture, and various other things, all with sex thrown in. I had seen reviews on all of these things, and listened to people go on about how they were all so horrific in their content.  People spoke on how these things would affect them forever, and were absolutely sickening. Naturally, I wanted to see them, because I like dark things, and have a pretty high tolerance. For the most part, upon taking these things in, I found them rather benign.  The anime I actually recommended to Lux because he would find it hot, and I would too if I wasn't the most demise...

 I had a moment on the way to my vaccine appointment that should have been telling of what would happen in the days after.  Time that showed me exactly why I feel the way I do about my parents. While sitting in the car, she's telling me about some of her customers from that morning, and earlier in the week.  At one point she tries to make something sound like a scandal, as she tells me about one woman, whose daughter at fourteen said that she had a boyfriend and wanted to go onto birth control.  I think she expected me to be aghast, and beside myself in disgust, but I was rather unaffected. I told her that it was a good thing that she felt comfortable going to her mother to ask for birth control.  Mentioned that she may not actually be doing anything yet, but that it could be very responsible of her to want to go onto something now, rather than once she's already having sex.   I also mentioned that she may have other reasons for asking, and reminded he...

 This was supposed to be a happy post that came out last week.  Writing about being excited, doing something important, and getting to do things that would help bring back some sense of normalcy. But, y'know, with my family we couldn't possibly have that. On March 23rd I managed to get myself an appointment for the covid vaccine.  Not the easiest feat where I am, but got one near my home, and after booking mine, actually managed to book one for a nearby time for my mother.  Half the house starting to get vaccinated, all in one swoop.  Squishy was practically vibrating from happiness, and I was elated.  Honestly, just having an appointment hit me incredibly hard. And even though I spent a month trying to get an appointment, showing excitement and relief from the chance at finally getting my vaccine, my mother was acting like this was an annoyance.  Like a horrible obligation that she didn't want to deal with, when she works with the public on a daily ba...

 Squishy is definitely the type of person that winds up with a crush on every person that gives her attention (something I will need to talk to her more about as she gets older).  She's had a few that have stuck around in her mind, and I've had to teach her how to not make things awkward or difficult for the other person, because her feeling have yet to be returned by anyone.  I think she has trouble figuring out the difference between a squish and a crush, but that's a thing that everyone needs to learn over time. It's been a few years since she also realized that she likes girls, and is quite comfortable with that part of herself luckily.  Since then, she's had two more long standing crushes on girls in her school, and something that I noticed more recently is that they both happen to be people of color.   Normally, I would just be happy that she isn't pigeonholing herself into just dating white people, and I can tell by how she talks to and about them th...

 I've been finding myself doing more online social things lately, and while I'll talk about that more, and what it's doing for me later, there's a more particular incident I want to talk about. Even though I don't live in the direct vicinity of DC, because I'm friends with a good number of people who were going to be in attendance, I decided to join in on the poly brunch zoom call.  It wound up relatively small, which made me feel better about more open social things.  Going into the pandemic, I wasn't sure how they would work, because I figured it would be far too many people to have a decent conversation going.   I found myself getting a handful of DMs though, and one of which was from someone who was sitting in on the call with no video or mic on.  In fact, he said nothing to anyone the entire time I think, except for me.  He attempted some horrible attempt at small talk and hitting on me through DMs, and very quickly asked me if I planned on attend...

 I had a pretty good track going for things lately.  I had a plan to get things done, and didn't feel overloaded.  Things with home and all weren't the best, but I was managing, and having a list I could easily tackle most days was helpful. And somehow, in the span of about a week, I went from managing, to busy, to fried. I've taken on a lot in the last month, and more every week it seems.  I went from a handful of tasks per day, to what is often dozens, all ranging in time they take up, and many of them are larger projects, or will be continuous obligation.  Top that off with having to take care of myself, Squishy, and Oliver, and I feel like I can't stop moving ever. On Saturday, after I had a good chunk of the day taken from me, because my parents decided what I was doing with my time, I tried to finally work out, and a few minutes in realized that I didn't want to do anything.  I didn't want to work out, or draw, or take on any of the things I needed to...

 There are very few things I am patient with, although I have gotten better as I've gotten older.  One thing I am often patient with though, is my partners.  I may grump around with things that are irritating, but I am very quick to appreciate the good first, and put those annoying moments aside in order to enjoy the overall time with a partner. However, when things turn into consistent disrespectful behaviors, lack of change when talking about issues, and there's no positive actions or moments to balance it out, I'm not going to just sit and take it like I should be fine with what's going on. And Kitty, after how long I've cared about him, and tried to keep some level of connection, I've hit a point where I can't try and spin his behaviors to any perspective that looks like he cares at all.  I've been left ignored, lied to, feeling manipulated and disrespected.  What's worse, is where I was done with him months ago due to the imbalance of good and b...

 I mentioned previously that I'm finally trying to reach out and do more social things outside of the occasional single person calls.  Not just private ones, but actually attending social events online. It's sometimes difficult to figure out what ones I can attend with Squishy home, but not as difficult as I had thought it would be overall.  And while I know many of the people in these gatherings, many of them aren't people I have long conversations with, or talk to much outside of events. So in many ways, these are becoming beneficial for me.  I'm spending time with newer people to develop new connections and friendships that I don't get to with just going to camp.  These online events also give me opportunities that I wouldn't normally have since I'm also a few hours away from any of where these gatherings would have been in person.  And it gives me the chance to recharge socially, which I've been having trouble with. To top it off, I feel like there...

 It was only for a night, but over the weekend of Valentine's, Lux was able to visit.  Squishy was away with the gnome, so I was able to just enjoy time with him for a day.  And while these visits are short, and we're limited in what we can do, having him around again after so long in between makes me happy. After so long without sex, our bodies weren't at all used to the amount that we enjoy, but it didn't stop us, and at least on my end, it helped tremendously.  I don't need sex as a form of self affirmation, but I do gain some level of mental reset from it, and it helps me relax a bit in knowing how Lux is doing as well.  In many ways, it's a way of checking in with each other, which we don't often get to just sit and do with how life gets in the way. We talked on and off about our plans for the year.  Lux changing jobs is going to do him a lot of good, and be very beneficial for him in the coming year, but he has some things he's going to need to do,...

 I didn't realize it until a day or so after, but last week marked a decade since kicking out the gnome.  Ten full years without living with the abuse he showed me every day. It didn't mean an end to abuse in my life altogether, but could not have been more necessary for me at that point, considering it was the one time in my life that I was seriously contemplating ending my life, and had really felt like I had lost myself.  While I've instead had to deal with new shitty behaviors from him, every time it reminds me of how right I was to have him leave. And while he's existed on the life escalator society pushes on people, but more or less declined as a person, I've managed to push for personal growth on all fronts. I've learned to build healthier relationships, in all ways.  It means I have different friends, but they are better overall, and people who help me feel supported in my life.  I've also learned about how I am polyamorous, and how to balance that i...