A New Devious Chapter

Coming into the end of the year, Lux has been mentioning goals for next year a lot.  When he first brought it up, I had no idea what I wanted to focus on next year.  Normally, I would have a long list of little tasks I wanted to be able to cross off, but nothing that would necessarily promote growth. While I do want to continue to learn all sorts of little things, and improve in many ways, I wanted to find something more substantial to try and work on this year. And, I want to work on me.  More specifically, how to take care of me. I have over time sort of lost track of how my own self care works.  I know that the more stereotypical gestures don't work, and normally I would look at simply being productive as a way of feeling better and clearing my head.  The problem there is that if I'm not constantly making or doing something, I tend to slowly feel worse and worse, making me think that if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting time and space. So I need to...

Not only is the year about to end, but an entire decade.  All over social media I've been seeing pictures of people in 2009 next to them now. And, for me a picture can't do it justice. So, some major points of the decade: I had a kid I was engaged I ended not one, but two abusive relationships I both lost, and reconnected with my teenage best friend I learned that I am polyamorous, when I don't have abusive partners I had my first belly dance performance, which only encouraged me to learn more I started teaching dance I started publishing my own books I experienced a many many more aspects of kink, and how to build a healthy dynamic I ended toxic friendships, and started new healthy ones I discovered that I am not cisgender I found a proper name for my sexuality Overall, it's been a decade to learn.  Whether it's learning from good experience, or having to learn the hard way, I've become smarter, wiser, and stronger. Here's t...

I think every parent hopes that their child feels safe talking to them.  I know one of the biggest things that gets considered when I teach Squishy about anything is that in the future, she'll be comfortable talking to me about important things.  At the same time, I've been the one to teach her about all manner of actual life topics, which she wouldn't learn about anywhere else. And before I go further, I'm going to mention that I did get her consent before writing this. A couple weeks ago, I am at the bus stop to get Squishy after school, and she runs off the bus and yells something at me that I don't quite get.  I ask her to repeat herself while we walk home, and she says that she likes a girl and thinks she might be gay.  I mention her liking boys, and she says that she does, and that in this case she might be bi.  It's all just sort of matter of fact how she says it with me.  No hesitation, and far easier for her to tell me than on occasions when sh...

There's been a lot going on with Squishy lately, I know.  She's getting to where there's a lot of things happening that I can try to teach her about that are more mature topics, and apparently she's comfortable enough to talk to me about those things, but that's for another post. I still get up with her every morning to try and get her ready for school.  She needs another person to sort of kick her in the butt, and make sure she gets everything done in time to make it to the bus stop.  Oliver also thinks putting Squishy on the bus is his job, and he's not allowed to go by himself, as much as that would make things far easier. While she gets herself ready, we sometimes groan and fail to wake up, and sometimes there is actual conversation.  One morning, we're sitting there, as I slowly work on my coffee, and make a comment about something.  Squishy starts yelling about how the person I had mentioned was cheating, even though it was a silly situation where ...

When I wrote my last post, we were still digging our way out from bin mountain.  Buried under piles and piles of decorations everywhere, wondering if our house would ever be livable again. What didn't come upstairs was the loaf pans ma had bought last year, which spawned the idea that I wouldn't get to have the cookiepocalypse.  I told her that I needed to see them in order to adjust my recipe for yield of exact loaves, as well as the cooking time and temperature. Since writing that post we've dug ourselves out.  The house is covered in Christmas, but surfaces can be found again, and Oliver is happy that he can run around.  I brought the bins downstairs, and stacked them away, and ma went poking about.  She said that she was looking for the pans, and pointed out a bag.  I looked, and immediately noticed that it didn't contain pans, but containers that she had purchased years ago, still wrapped up, for cookiepocalypse past. She looked around at the roo...

Thanksgiving is done, and we're into December, and I'm finally now feeling ready for winter and the holidays.  Christmas has vomited all over the house, and we've dug ourselves out of the mountain of decorations.  I'm slowly trying to adjust for the lack of cookiepocalypse, and all the different baking that will happen this year (although I'm not looking forward to that having been forced on me, and Squishy has also voiced her disapproval). I've also been working to get ahead on a lot of things.  There are a lot of things I've been able to get ahead on, and try to get done in the next couple of weeks.  The pre-planning is strong, just in case I do some travelling over the new year, but I'm managing it all really well. I have to say, I'm still not looking forward to all the family and obligation of holidays, but I'm ready for winter, and the things I want to do.  I want to bake, and cook lots of warm comfort foods, and spend time under blanket...

There's been quite a few talks with Squishy about things lately.  Teaching her more interpersonal concepts, and aspects of healthy interaction.  She's finally at an age where these things are relevant, and she's going to need those tools. Well, we were playing Just Dance again, and she had picked a map that I hadn't really taken the time to listen to, because I'd only played it once.  Because Squishy was dancing by herself, I could actually pay attention to lyrics of the song "Done For Me". And in the middle of the song I started talking to her about how incredibly unhealthy the message was.  It's a duet, where the girl is singing about how she stopped talking to everyone to make a boy happy, and never did anything wrong anyway.  The guy is telling her that he's completely devoted and heartbroken, but wants to know what she is doing for him, because that isolation doesn't mean anything. It's a toxic situation in nutshell.  When I call...

For the last few months, I've noticed things all over the internet talking about dysphoria in regards to being transgender.  Statements saying that you have to have dysphoria in order to be trans, or saying that this concept equates being trans to requiring some form of suffering. And it's something I consider a lot.  I'm definitely further from cisgender the more I explore the concept, but I find that my body dysmorphia is very different from a feeling of dysphoria.  My dysmorphia is me viewing my body differently than it actually is, and my brain hating what it turns that image into.  It's not a case where my body feels like it's the wrong one. I don't have any issue with having breasts, or hips, or a vagina.  In fact, after many years, I've learned to actually like the fact that I have a very naturally curvy shape.  My body for me isn't something that defines my gender, as much as it does for many people. What is an issue for me though is how to...

I've noticed something popping up in articles, and had no idea what it was.  This concept of "cuffing season" that I had to look into to figure out what it is.  Apparently, this time of year we're supposed to be drawn attaching ourselves to people for the span of the holidays.  That we try to find a partner to avoid the awkward questions of our status from family, or to avoid loneliness during holiday celebrations. And I mean, I don't know if I've ever been completely unpartnered during the holidays, even with not having a partner that society sees as normal for a long time.  However, even besides that, I also haven't spent a holiday itself with the people I care about for many years.  It's been a separate thing that everyone does on their own, because we all have our own lives. It's something that has never really bothered me too terribly much, if at all.  Of course, I want to spend time with the people I care about, but no more than any oth...

I know, I usually take this post to be the cop out list of things I'm grateful for.  This year though, something recently happened that I wanted to touch on instead. Lux and I had that talk a bit ago, and I mentioned I would possibly talk more on it.  Well, usually a few times a year we sort of check in on things, and see how we are doing, what needs to be done, and if anything is going wrong or needs attention. With everything going on for each of us separately, we haven't really gotten around to that. And it's the sort of thing that can be fixed now that we're aware of it, and I'm very willing to do that maintenance, and make sure things are clear, and ok.  It's a reminder of how much work a healthy connection with anyone is, and how grateful I am that we've tried to continue to do that work, and not get complacent despite everything that's happened. I don't know a lot of people who will actively try to put in that work for that healthy space...

The other day, I sent Squishy outside to get the mail.  I was expecting some things, so she wanted to run out and grab it.  As she pulled things out, I noticed an extra tiny padded envelope.  She came back into the house, and I wondered what it was, noticing it was addressed to me. I took it upstairs with the rest of my mail, and opened it up.  Inside, was a necklace with a pendant that I thought was rather pretty.  There was also an invoice, which I unfolded, and checked. It showed a user name for the buyer, which I recognized as the character name of someone I used to larp with.  He was a friend, but someone that I hadn't connected with in a while.  I took a picture, and looked for him on facebook messenger.  Rather than make assumptions of the item itself, I sent the picture, asking if he was responsible for it. He had ordered it and accidentally selected my address, since he had ordered me something years ago.  I told him that I cou...

The other day, I was talking to Lux (more on that later maybe), and I mentioned how Squishy is very susceptible to marketing, and societal expectation.  There have been many times when she's asked for something, and I know it isn't something she actually wants, but something everyone else has, or something that seems like the cool thing to do at her age. Most recently, because she's going to be going through puberty soon, she's talking about how she wants a big butt and big boobs when she gets older.  Lux immediately asked if she has access to Instagram, and wondering where she got the idea.  I told him that she didn't, but figured it was something she saw somewhere else that was to blame.  I also told him that I had explained to Squishy the practical reasons against it. And it's happened a lot with things, for years.  She goes through these phases of wanting what is pushed by the kids in school, or by what she sees online.  She says she wants to like...

Last year for Christmas, we got Squishy a switch.  The main thing she wanted on it was Just Dance, and honestly, I still play it more often than she does.  The new game just came out, and to help market it, they were releasing new songs on the older games to play. One of the new songs was Lizzo's "Boys".  I had noticed Lizzo being mentioned in headlines and such, but had no idea who she was, or what was so amazing about her music.  I however am not one to turn anything down without giving it a shot, and the preview looked fun, so I gave the song a try. Now, if you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend it.  Go on, give it a listen. Did you go? Ok. This song is fantastic.  It's very modern, but also carefully written.  In many ways, I found the song affirming. It creates an idea that people (most  contextually female) can be sexual without wanting to be an object, but wanting to pursue men.  That women can want se...

I was standing at the bus stop waiting for Squishy a while ago, and heard a couple outside.  As one of them walked out to their car, I heard them tell their partner they loved them.  Then, in that cutesy way you see in shows, they went back and forth with saying they love the other more. And it went on for a few minutes, that exchange keeping them from moving, but rather than hearing endearment in their voice, it sounded just like routine.  Like they were doing this just because they were expected to.  The words held less and less meaning over time, and  honestly seemed like the same sort of gesture as washing your hands after using the bathroom.  Like it was something done so often that it was just habit.  Something ingrained and expected, rather than something felt. Mind you, I've been trying to be more mindful about being affirming to people lately.  Trying to tell people that I care, and give positive messages more often to help both ins...

A few weeks ago I woke up to see a message from an old friend, Felix.  He had apparently felt a random urge to say hello to me when getting out of work.  I sent him a response, and things were quiet. Fast forward a couple more days, and he was saying that he wanted to catch up, which I had no problem with.  He mentioned coming down, and I suggested going for coffee, spending some time, and just a normal hangout.  Less than a minute later, that turned into him talking about getting a hotel for two nights, and all manner of things.  I reminded him that we had to plan around Squishy's school schedule.  I figured that would let him know that while I would be open to spending time with him, I wasn't putting my life on hold.  He still seemed receptive, and at 10:30PM, decided it was a good time to ask what I was doing.  Because I needed to get up in the morning for Squishy, I told him that at that point, I was getting ready for bed, because I was....

Lately, a lot of things haven't been going the best.  The holidays have already been a bit of a mess, as well as all the changes from what I mentioned previously.  I'm feeling a bit stagnant in a lot of ways, and it's getting to me, despite knowing I am being productive.  As well, yet another time that I thought I would get to see Lux fell through.  There's been a lot of time that I haven't gotten to spend with people for one reason or another, and may friends are busy right now with a ton of different things.  It's giving me a huge lack of security in how I feel, constantly.  It's making brainbugs kick up again, and I know it's starting to have an effect on my day to day.  And part of it is being an extrovert.  While people think extroverts are just loud boisterous people, really it's that we recharge by being with others, regardless of the behavior.  It means that this time without others, and especially only around people who constan...

Last year, I hit the point where I was juggling enough things that I felt like I needed to get a planner.  I wanted a physical book that I could carry with me, and put notes into, or check things easily as opposed to having to sort through apps not only to find what I want, but something that's convenient. I looked through as many planners as I could, and wound up having to settle on something that didn't have everything that I wanted, but was fairly close. That planner is almost done, and I haven't been the happiest with it.  Because I still have time, rather than going hunting forever, I realized I can just make and publish it myself.  I can make it exactly how I want it to be, and maybe make some extra money in the process. And I find it amusing, that so many people try to talk about how others will look at something, and just say they could make it themselves.  That it becomes a case of how while they could, they won't.  Yet I think about something, an...

A couple of weeks ago, the new Addams Family movie came out.  I grew up watching not only the movies from the 90's, but also the cartoon, and the show from the 60's.  They were something I loved, and was very aware at a young age how all the characters were unique, but really just people. So, when Squishy expressed interest in going to see the movie, I was all for taking her to see it.  I wanted her to get to see something I loved as a kid, and share it with her, because I knew she would enjoy it.  At the same time, I was worried.  Having it be an animated movie gave too much of a chance for them to go off the wall, and far from the Addams of past. While driving to the theatre, Squishy asked about the characters and such.  I explained to her that they were honestly not all that weird, and sort of eccentric old money types that were just weird goth people.  Well, the movie was exactly what I was worried about.  There was a handful of referenc...

Lately, I've noticed a lot of bad habits in my bedroom.  I'm pushing things to the side, and letting them pile up without taking care of them completely.  At the very least, it isn't going to help my mental space, and looking at it everywhere is starting to affect me noticeably.  I'm finding that I put off cleaning it up, and that's making me feel crappy for not managing it. Last week, I decided to finally start doing some serious purge of things and cleaning.  All the bits I've been putting off, and going through all the spaces and things. Even if I just do a small area each day, seeing it slowly take shape is affirming and motivating, which is a fantastic change of pace compared to how I was feeling.  I'll also be at a point where I don't have to sort through unnecessary scraps and bits to find things I need, which means that work now will make things easier afterwards. We're coming into a hectic and stressful time of year, so it's best t...

Lately, there's a lot of talk about weddings and such happening.  Friends getting engaged, already being married, or about to have a wedding.  There's just a ton of it. Meanwhile, I've been with both of my partners long enough that we've seen people meet, get married, and divorced.  Seen relationships rise and fall, and people grow apart.  Luckily, people have stopped bothering me about the state of things with my partners and relationships. It has me thinking a lot lately on how much pressure we put on being married.  That as someone female, this, and having a child are the two most celebrated and expected things that can happen.  Things that aren't even necessarily the accomplishments of that person, but with someone else as well.  That this cookie cutter life escalator just leads to the celebration of involving others in our lives. And yes, finding someone who wants to deal with you forever is worth celebrating, but not in the same way at whic...

We're getting close to the holidays.  A time of hectic preparation, stress, and celebration.  It's also a time of routine, and tradition. I've gotten a pile of poor news in regards to the holidays lately, and it's shaking up some of my favorite parts of this time of year.  Removing the few things I take joy in, and making me look forward to the coming season even less than normal.  I've been told we aren't having Channukah at all this year.  Channukah starts just a few days before Christmas, and so my mom doesn't want to figure out how to do both, which means she just isn't.  It's upsetting, because I always prefer Channukah over Christmas.  It was always that holiday of less obligation.  When we invited everyone over, so we had some excuse to spend time together during such a busy period, and celebrate family and friends in the way the holidays should be, and without the obligation and forcefulness of Christmas.  Not having it is sad, an...

I've noticed myself pointing out a ton of the red flags in many of the relationships I see lately.  Friends who have partners that I'm not terribly fond of, because even in front of others I see behaviors that aren't healthy long term. What I haven't been doing though, is looking at and considering the green flags that occur in relationships, including my own.  Those things that point out healthy dynamics, and help create strong, happy bonds. So, instead of the things I avoid or run from, a short list of things that me feel closer to a person: Remembering little details or preferences.  As much as I enjoy variety, I can be pretty predictable when people pay attention. Listening to me, completely.  I'm generally careful about my words, especially when speaking, and even asking a line of questions to move a thought along can help me process something while someone listens. Sharing little details.  I like learning about people, and feeling like I'm worth ...

I think I've mentioned on here for the entire life of this blog how my parents treat me, and even when in front of each other, it's almost encouraged.  Especially though, in the behaviors of my father.  I likely have a record counting several times a week of my telling Lux when my father shows abusive behavior towards me. Well, the other day I was having breakfast, and heard him yelling at my mom, in a very similar way that he does to me all the time.  When I went to take care of my dishes, he started blaming a ton of things on me that I hadn't done, and screaming at me for them.  When I started calmly saying I wasn't responsible for any of it, but was still starting to go through the motions to fix it, he cut me off, yelling at me to shut up, and how he was "sick of this constantly from such a bitchy piece of shit".  Because he was yelling it right in front of my mom, she couldn't claim she didn't hear.  Unfortunately, rather than flat out telling...

I was watching something a few weeks ago, and there was a specific scene that stood out to me.  Something that set up conflict between two other characters, while showing the declining state of one of them.  And in that scene, I remember seeing one of those characters being a downright amazing actor, and showing some intense sexual energy and attraction to someone else. And the processes in my brain were so clear to me.  Given the state I was in, my first reaction was how much I wanted that directed towards me.  I wondered why I didn't get that.  It lasted a moment or so, before my mind practically shot a spotlight on all the things that did express just that when I saw Lux last, and that I do have that exact thing in my life, just not regularly, because we have to deal with distance, and life. I've been using mental exploration as a way to get better, but I'm definitely not there yet.  However, this was such a blatant example of how mental state can af...

As I've mentioned, I've been trying to take more pictures of myself to help with my dysmorphia.  One of the things I noticed with the new camera I'm using, is that it distorts images a bit, and I've been learning to work with it.  At one point I joked that since I had a camera that did some funky stuff, I should learn to take instagram butt pictures, and how to pose for them, and learn that I have a better butt than most of the butt models on there. Well, I did, because it seemed like something fun to do that day, and I thought it would be a good way to push myself.  And honestly, I didn't hate the pictures.  They didn't make me happy at all, but looking at them when I took them didn't make my skin crawl.  I decided to share them with Lux, because he would appreciate them. While he did, he also made comments about me taking pride in them, or showing off, or whatever.  And I know that was his brain trying to make the situation hot, but as he made those c...

One of the biggest things I've noticed with how I've been feeling, is how active my dysmorphia is.  How little I want people to see me, and how that feeling of panic over having someone take my picture has returned. I had it to a point where it wasn't terrible for a while, but in the last year or so, it's gotten bad that even having people see me in public makes me anxious, not for how I dress or my hair or anything, but for my body itself. And, I can't live like that.  I try to keep my dysmorphia from actually stopping me doing anything, but the anxiety is still there, and no one can survive with that. So long story short, Lux did way too much for me, and now I have a far better way to take photos.  With this, I've decided that I need to not only take more photos of myself, but try to take interesting ones, and post more online. And I've been doing so. It's hard.  Like, really hard. Taking pictures of myself isn't the worst, but I get ni...

Tonight starts the Jewish new year, and honestly, it couldn't be better timed.  I've been thinking a lot about my mental state, and how I want to give myself the kick in the ass for more positive thoughts and processes.  Making steps to work towards it, and push myself away from things that I know will only perpetuate the negative brain space. It's convenient in a way.  I get to claim an extra new year.  An extra time to start over.  That landmark we all use to decide that it's the time to grow as people, and make ourselves better. And, I'm not using this on purpose, but it is amusing how that timing worked out. So, go have apples and honey.  Go tell people you care about them, and go figure out something you can do to better yourself.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned recently, that my parents were going to be out of town earlier this week.  Well, Lux didn't make it down for the visit to take advantage of the time, but I did what I could to make the most of it, which I'll discuss in the coming weeks. I did however, try to get as much done every day as I could, which included going out of my way to take care of the house however I could anticipate.  Squishy even commented on how much she liked the quiet of them being gone, and how involved she felt in the day when she got home. My parents called, and were talking to Squishy as they were on the way home.  She was talking about all the things we had done, and my mom asked why I was so much nicer when they were gone. When the call ended, Squishy repeated it all, as kids do, and I pointed out that it's a lot easier to be in a good mood, and do more, and go out of the way to do things when I don't have two people spending every day telling me I...

I remember when I first started really getting into the scene, long long ago, all the domly doms wanted to be called "Sir".  It was the standard honorific for dynamics, and super commonplace.  We put emphasis on these super serious committed and collared exchanges, like it was the ideal dynamic. And now, fast forward to the last year or so, and I notice things are very different.  Now, more often than not, I hear everyone using "Daddy" instead.  It's become likely the most common title for domly doms that I see and hear. It makes me think about why I don't use it with Lux.  On top of it not feeling correct for our dynamic given our sort of power exchange, I've been exploring my own personal issues with the term. Daddy feels very superficial.  Like a title of impermanence, that places very circumstantial power.  It feels fleeting, and far less committed, much like how vanilla dating and relationships have become.  To make these very surface c...

Lately, I've been thinking about my brainspace.  Why exactly I've hit this point that I have, where my mental state is as poor as it has been. And one of the biggest thing I think about is all the things I can't seem to pick up, which I know bring me some sort of positivity.  How I put down so many things that I had made growth with.  How slowly, over time, I've curled up in this ball of horrible cycles, negative thoughts, and complacency. It took me far too long to realize that while I'm in a shitty state for many many reasons, I haven't done enough to make it better. I haven't done enough to create change. And change won't happen in my mind, growth won't occur, and I won't get out of this dark little ball unless I make it happen. Time to kick myself in the ass, and make some change.

There was a good amount of traveling over the summer, which inspired a lot of writing, and kept everyday life off of this blog for a bit. Welp, we've had a lot of everyday life going on, and a bit less adventure, so it's time for a general update. Squishy has started a new school, which starts an hour earlier than her old one.  It means a change in morning routine for she and I, and it's been going fairly well, but is still not the easiest yet.  Overall, she's enjoying the new school, and getting to meet new kids, which is great news. I am rebuilding a project I had made for Dansa earlier this year.  It didn't fit as intended, so I tore half of it apart, and I'm fixing it to fit differently with the rest of the yarn she had given me a while back.  Hopefully I have enough yarn with the changes. My parents are going out of town to visit a friend next weekend, which means a bit of a mess while I keep reminding them of everything to do in the short amount of...

Recently I was finishing up yet another larger crochet piece.  I thought about how often I joke that all of my art and creativity is based in masochism.  Most people agree with me. And I think about how self harm exists as a way to express pain, anguish, depression.  A poorly focused attempt to find relief and catharsis.  We try to stop people from doing this, villifying it and making it something people should simply put down. Honestly, I've tried self harm exactly once.  I cut myself on the leg, and looked at the blood on my leg.  I stared at it for a moment before asking myself why people did that, because it had absolutely no effect on me.  Never tried it again. At the same time, we take pride in masochists who use pain as a way to process.  We appreciate them, and encourage bottoms who will play with the intention of processing the things that happen in their lives. And yes, that's a bit backwards in many ways, that we celebrate one d...

I mentioned while talking about my visit with Lux about how he was a bit put off by how long we've been together.  How instead of looking at the obvious, we should celebrate what we've accomplished in that time together. Well, Lux went to camp, and got to really examine the rest of his side of the polycule.  Seeing that they talk about being oversaturated, but still take on partners.  That they run to others with issues instead of communicating with the partner they need to fix something with.  Lack of communication, and just a poorly juggled mess of space and questionable mental safety. He noticed people not actually acknowledging their needs, but running from them.  Treating symptoms and not problems.  Playing with tons of people but not spending the time to bond beyond that rush of brain chemicals induced by sensation. It reminded me of Lux talking about his fears and discomforts.  And it made me laugh. Because that polycule reflected that f...

I would like to think that I've worked my way past a good sized chunk of what I've dealt with in my life.  Much of the abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and all other forms of shit that's been pushed my way. But, damn, this summer has had some of it creeping up that creates a hell of a brain cycle. Every once in a while I've put thought into why Fusion was so hard on me.  Over time, I've definitely been able to pick it apart a bit more. Overall this summer, with everything going on, I'm feeling very insecure.  Like I'm just an obligation.  Being brought along because people feel like they have to, rather than want to.  And the lack of time when with people when nothing else is happening doesn't help that.  Lack of time spent with others just because they want to see me.  Lack of play outside of events when they feel like they might as well because of the venue.  Lack of desire shown in the same way as it is with others. After Fusion...

The ride home from Lux was far more smooth than the ride up to his place.  I think the world needed to give me that difficult one so I can appreciate the smoother trips.  The train was calm and quiet, and I got in a bit early, with plenty of time to head from one station to another, so I could catch the next bus home.  A bus that was late showed up a few minutes once I got to my gate, which meant I could catch one about twenty minutes earlier than planned.  It would however, be packed full. Having dealt with much worse recently, I gladly hopped on, grabbing one of the last window seats.  Next to me sat, in one of the last open seats, was this very nice Korean woman.  She was quiet for a while, then offered me candy to start conversation. Yup, I'm an adult and took candy from a stranger.  I did see her pop one into her mouth first, because I'm notoriously careful.  We spoke on and off for a handful of back and forth a few times, until I pulle...

I'm home now from my week with Lux, and it was remarkably unremarkable, in the best of ways. There was only one evening where we went out, to a place we had gone to last year, with some excellent food and a long beer list.  We ate far too much food, and enjoyed the place just as much as the first time. Other than that though, it was just calm.  No ton of running around, or events to work.  We took care of our everyday things, and relaxed, and had time together when we could.  We got around to playing a game together that we had intended to for a while, and finally tried the card game I had gotten him for Christmas. Before I went out there I said that I had just wanted a visit with minimal expectation, and just having time together.  We both needed it after how things have been lately.  The summer has been difficult for us, and just time was definitely something necessary. And, while it wasn't some magical experience, it was certainly helpful.  ...

Remember that wedding I mentioned dropping out of recently?  The one Lux was also supposed to be in? So, we got the invites. I got mine the day before heading up to Lux's place.  Squishy handed me the envelope, and I see "[Loki Taviel] and Guest" on the front.  Apparently I had a plus one available.  I wondered why it was worded that way, and thought that maybe they just did that for both myself and Lux because my address was more on hand. The next day, I get up to New York, and Lux mentions one of them asking for his address.  Silly situations with this aside, I tell him that I had gotten an invite with a plus one.  We express our confusion, but create a fun idea. Monday morning he tells me he has his invite in the mail, and he also has a plus one. So, fun idea is in motion.  We will each invite an additional member of our polycules, and take over a table making an awkward situation with everyone.  Openly holding hands and being affecti...

Dansa's visit was a very highly needed experiment for her.  She brought her new dog with her, and it would be their first time traveling, the dog's longest time around a kid, and the first time Oliver had another dog stay the night. I will preface this by saying that Oliver is the most patient and well behaved puppy ever, and deserves all the hugs and snuggles he could ever want.  He was far better with the whole situation than I ever could have asked from him, and it made me even more appreciative to have him as a furry baby (because it is absolutely how he sees himself). Dansa's pup did alright with Squishy, especially considering that she got a little too excited at times and started treating this pup like Oliver, which is more than most dogs could ever deal with.  I had to tell her to back off a few times, just so pup could wind down a little. That being said, Dansa is remarkably unaware of her dog.  The pup has developed resource aggression over her, becau...

Coming into August, there was very little planned.  The gnome had left the month in the air in regards to taking Squishy, given the hectic nature of the wedding, and said he might only take her for a long weekend.  Camp is the end of summer, right before Squishy starts school, so it isn't an option for me, and means I don't see people there either. Well, after talking to Lux and telling him that the month was empty, I made plans with Dansa.  She said she wanted to come down for a weekend with her new pup, and see how she would get along with Oliver.  That booked up a weekend right in the middle of the month. And a bit over a week ago, the gnome decided he was taking Squishy.  He handed some dates to her without talking to me, and after confronting him to adjust them, which I may talk about later, Squishy agreed to an amount of time she and I both were happier with.  This meant a random week that I wouldn't have a Squishy home. Given how this summer ha...

Weekend before last I went to see a friend for the day.  Last year he had asked Lux and I to be in his wedding, and despite the fact that I don't like her, I agreed.  I told them that if at all possible I wanted to be in a suit, and they agreed.  That day, I saw them argue about every little detail of everything. Fast forward a few months, no one has gotten fitted for these suits, but we're all sent links to kilts and jackets on Amazon, and told this is the new plan.  These, while I could attempt to figure out sizing, wouldn't even get close to fitting Lux.  A month later yet, and we're told that they're using one specific kilt shop in Jersey, and everyone needs to go there to get measured. Well, fast forward to a week and a half ago, and no one has gotten measured yet.  They get married in November.  At the same time, every time I talk to them, they can't decide something else.  So without anything ever being solid, and lack of information,...

Last weekend the gnome got married, to the girl he only wound up actually seriously dating because he got her pregnant three months after meeting her.  Squishy was involved in the wedding, so this was all I heard about from him for the longest time. A few weeks ago, while picking Squishy up for a visit, he scrolls through his phone, and suddenly gets pissy.  He was throwing a fit, because his niece got a tattoo.  Upset because she should have considered the wedding, and the sleeveless dress.  First, I told him that the artist she wanted may be very difficult to book, and he kept going.  Then, I stopped him, and asked how his wedding gives him agency over her body.  That he shouldn't care about tattoos on her body, because she is who they asked to be there, not her unmarked arm. He shut up, because he realized there was no winning. Moving a bit more forward, just after my birthday, ma's friend came over.  We all sat in the dining room talking, and...

Last week Squishy, my mom, and I went down to Atlantic City to do some stuff before the gnome's wedding (more on this soon) when Squishy would obviously need to leave and be there.  It was stupidly hot out, but we did our wandering about, and had fun, and Squishy got a bit spooked for no reason, though admitted to enjoying herself. We grabbed some ice cream for the long walk up the boardwalk, and back to the car, though it wasn't enough to keep Squishy or my mom from melting in the heat.  While on the walk though, a younger girl actually stopped me to compliment my makeup.  Considering that I don't do the standard full beat most people do, I appreciated her noticing as she walked past. As she took a few steps away though, I heard ma quietly say in the most demeaning tone "Aw, the little hooker likes your makeup" as though she wasn't even a person. And I stopped her, in the sun, with my daughter right there. I told her that I didn't know what she di...

When we decided to go to this leather bar, Dansa made a big deal about getting sort of dressed up for it.  She situated herself in layers and harnesses and all manner of things.  I on the other hand, dressed fairly normally for me, in some slightly masculine leaning goth stuff.  In no way was it meant to be seen as sexy, or attention grabbing like she had chosen. While we were there, and she was constantly making her comments that I had mentioned last time, I would often giggle.  As I would turn around in the space, or go walking across the rooftop, I would catch people looking.  And not the normal looks I get due to how I dress.  Obviously looking up from checking out my butt, or looking interested. I kept laughing to myself, because while I have a very feminine body shape, and definitely wasn't trying to pass as male, all those guys who normally are about using their sexual contact toward women as a status symbol were checking me out.  I was r...

While up in the city, Dansa and I went to a memorial for a friend who had passed away just before camp.  I had wanted to go to support the people there, and hear the stories, and share some time learning about a person who I didn't have enough time with. This memorial also happened to be in a leather bar.  We had the upper bar before it opened, and then we would have the upstairs as a cigar lounge afterwards.  So after listening and hugging, and remembering so many things, the bar was actually open, with music playing, and other people being allowed in. And so, as we made our way up to the top floor, I kept hearing Dansa making comments about how wonderful the bar was because of all the topless men, and the gay porn playing on the tvs all around. I was very clearly reminded of the comments she had made about Lux, where she had plainly stated that she wasn't attracted to him until she had a pansexual partner, and then wanted to see them together.  Her fetishizat...

Initially, I was supposed to spend last weekend up with Lux.  We had talked about throwing a birthday party, and I would spend a week up with him.  I had to fight with the gnome to get him to listen to me, and not change plans he had promised to and take Squishy in the agreed upon time period.  Then, while at camp, Lux told me he was being sent away during that week.  Off to the UK, and far away from here, removing our original plans. When I mentioned it to my mom, she shoved the idea of me pestering him to bring me down my throat so much that I felt badly for even talking to her about it and thinking that might be a possibility.  Like always, she just assumed that I should take advantage of people, because it's what she does. And so I had to make new plans with a week free. Luckily Dansa hopped up to tell me to spend some time up at her place, and we would adventure about the city, and I would meet her pup, and we would have fun. So, I spent a long we...

With pride month happening a few weeks back, everything was covered in rainbows.  And while I have people I love and care about who do like to carry things with the normal pride colors on it, I myself don't really identify with that flag.  I am many, many things, but none of them include that rainbow of colors. With all the stores featuring pride merchandise, it made me think about how much I should make something of my own.  Something that obviously isn't going to a greedy corporation hopping on a train of popularity. It's a difficult thing though, with not being out to my parents or siblings.  Until I realized that I don't really care. So in the last week I've started making patches.  Big proud patches covering all the things I am.  There's a jacket I love that they'll all go onto, and if my parents take the time to look them up because they're curious, then I'm out to them, and they can deal with it.  If they come after me, I will just flat ...

As you can imagine, there was a lot after camp, some of which was simply things floating around in my brain. In the first couple of days back home, there was a lot being tossed around in my head.  After topping again, it kickstarted that part of my brain again, and hard.  Thinking about much more fun I had during that, than the impact scene I had with a friend.  About the new people I met and wanting to indulge in my sadist with them too.  Wanting to hit the point with someone where I have domly power exchange. It was a very odd part of my brain, where for a moment, I questioned being a switch.  Wondered if I was just a top with a high pain tolerance.  It was a weird point to process and think on, and something I hadn't thought about for a long time. And then I remembered those moments where I sat at Lux's feet, and felt his hands through my hair.  Those moments of happily acknowledging my place with him, and the power exchange we've built. ...

One of my last afternoons at camp a friend walked into the cafe where I was having lunch.  She sat down, and we talked about how Lux and I were some of the only people who knew she was into kink that had met her in another circle because we shared multiple hobbies.  She said that she could tell looking at us that we had some manner of dynamic (though honestly, our power exchange is just about invisible to anyone but us) but I joked about the giant chain around her ankle being a bit obvious on our end. We spoke about how she isn't out in any other circles, and how she has trouble speaking to vanilla people because she has to keep this side a secret. And I didn't quite get it. I run in a ton of circles.  I have older vanilla friends, and find new vanilla people.  I often joke that I can't go anywhere or to anything without running into people I know. And to some of them I'm out, even if just in knowledge.  We however spend time together like any oth...

I've spoken here previously about how little I need from partners.  In general, I need presence, basic respect, and consistency from words to actions. And, well, those are true, but apparently there's more to it than that.  Which of course, because it's me, I had to learn the hard way. I need a little more than just basic consistency.  That's important of course, but I need a bit more assurance than that.  Much like the small gestures of care I often talk about, and how much they mean to me, I need little physical gestures of attention to express affection, care, and desire. It's something that took a lot of self exploration, but I've figured it out. And, honestly, as much as I hate asking for anything, so even acknowledging that as a need is hard, is helpful to me.  I can think back to many times when a partner had shown heavy attention to others, and given me none to balance things out, and feeling hurt and almost abandoned. And I know that this is a...

After my mental whirlwind of a night when the fire show happened at Fusion, I decided that scotch and cigars were a necessary thing.  Back to Compound I went, where one of many Aussies was present and offering me tasty scotch.  I talked to him for a few minutes, before Dansa came over to sit with us.  I mentioned my classes, and a man near us asked about what I was teaching. I told him I was teaching a care of tops lecture, and we began in on discussing different aspects of things.  Basic concepts of negotiation, ideas on topping from the bottom, and a handful of other topics.  In general he responded fairly respectfully, but definitely had me more tagged as a bottom with how he talked to me, I tried speaking to me like I was a child, which I didn't appreciate. And then while talking about these things, he decided to try turn it into a dick measuring contest of toppy skill.  He told some story about how he played with a woman for the first time, and whi...

Not everything at camp that I learned was done peacefully.  One of the biggest things for me to deal with at this event hit me hard, multiple times, as I tried to explore it and find the words to make it better. It crept in along the first couple days.  Feelings of distress that I couldn't explain, combined with selfish thoughts that I never like having appear in my head.  After that first bit of time, things hit hard as I went to hug Lux, and we needed to go and take a walk, and snuggle, and try to find words. I noticed old patterns that I didn't want to ever deal with again, and tried to talk through them as much as I could to make some manner of sense.  While it started to get the idea across, I don't think that talk helped all that much, but got things moving in my own mind. Over the rest of camp, we had moments where I sat at his feet.  Leaning against his knees in the Compound living room and feeling his hands through my hair and on my neck.  It...

One of the biggest things about this camp, was getting to see Kitty for the first time in way too long.  I'd missed him, but at the same time, was trying to make space to be less frustrated with his lack of contact even when we weren't sharing a physical space. I won't lie and say that I wasn't excited to see him again though.  To see if we could fit together the way we always have. When Pyre went to pick Kitty up from the airport, Lux was also heading to a class a friend was running.  I had wanted to go take the class with him, but we all agreed it would be better for me to be a surprise at the airport.  I got into the car with Pyre, and while riding off, we had a long talk about some things that need to be addressed soon.  While we tossed the idea around of making that happen at camp, it never did. As we rolled up to the gate, I dove into the back of the car, laying down as flat as I could.  I thought he would come up to the back of the car, but ins...

Last camp, I had mentioned how being there made me feel inspired to switch more.  To do more topping, because it is usually what I'm more drawn to. Coming up to camp, I had made plans to top a few people, and only bottom to one friend as well as my partners, because they obviously would get priority.  It had me excited to be embracing my sadist again, though worried about being rusty. And in standard camp fashion, most of those plans didn't happen.  Some did, but several fell to the wayside of either lack of time, or things happening which would not make that play as safe as it should be. With a random free evening due to some rain, I had the chance to play with Lux.  With adjustments we'd talked about previously, and a more serious tone, I got near that floaty spacey state.  We both agreed that with loud scenes going on around us in the dungeon, it became distracting for us, and something to keep in mind for the future.  Almost an hour he hit me thou...

I'm home from Fusion, and this last week was a whirlwind.  Juggling multiple groups, being a switch, managing poly, teaching, performing, friends, and everything else. There's a lot for me to write about in the coming weeks, and I'm going to need to figure out how to spread it all out into coherent topics. My classes went well, although one wound up falling right in the hottest part of the day, and so it didn't happen. While Lux and I are thinking about putting together one new one for the future, I think four classes is definitely my maximum.  I kind of want to develop a rotating roster of classes to present, so I can be known for bringing far more things to the table. My double sword set went incredibly well.  I forgot one move, and got a little tangled at one point, but didn't drop the swords, even while rolling around on the ground.  I was nervous to the point of shaking while dancing with my swords, and it absolutely made me more confident in what I could...