A New Devious Chapter

 Over the past months, I've managed to stick to the things I've been doing to help take care of myself physically.   I've been working out almost every day, and while I notice the difference in how I feel if I don't, there isn't a feeling of guilt if I take a day to rest.  Likewise, I'm noticing progress in the things I am doing to exercise.  While I was using the ring fit every day, even though I was almost through my first run of new game+, I decided to start in on the new just dance, since we got it for Squishy.  I've since been working on some of the songs that have alternate versions to unlock, but will have the same goal of the last game to get the highest rank on every song, because it's very easy to see progress, and give myself something to figure out with small changing goals. At the same time, I've managed to also keep track of what I'm eating, and it's made at least for me, a noticeable difference.  My clothes are fitting differen...

 For the first time in almost seven years of having this blog, I didn't post.  I didn't keep my schedule, didn't write, didn't look at it. During the initial week or so, I felt guilty.  I wasn't keeping up with something that I hadn't taken any breaks from.  I had a perfect streak for so many years.  When it came down to it though, it had become something I had to do.  Something I had to wrack my brain for, which wasn't doing anything for me in the long run.  And when it became a thing of stress, it was no longer serving me, but doing the opposite. Once the guilt subsided, and it sunk in that this was my own space, and I could come back to it whenever I wanted, or change what I was doing with it to how it would benefit me, I relaxed, and took the time I needed. So, for a while I may only be posting once a week.  And that might just be the permanent change.  Something a little easier to keep up with, and now that I have more concepts and thing...

We've hit that point where Lux and I are more seeing silly symptoms of stress.  Life has happened (and continues to happen) and we're both going through a ton.  As a result, we're noticing some of the standard responses from our brain. It means we're both super horny, while we're apart, and craving all the things. Well, he's craving all the things.  I'm apparently at a point where it's all a bit more specific.  I've stopped wanting violence the same way I normally would.  Instead I'm wanting controlling force, that comes from a place of possessive power exchange.   It's not that situation which is near a stereotype of wanting something different.  It's not that I feel like I need to let go of being in charge.  Hell, with things going on, I'm feeling out of control of everything around me, and the entirety of my day. I want the comfort of having control in the hands of someone I trust.  To feel the steadiness that I'm doing what I ...

 With the exception of only a couple of days, I've managed to work out, and track my food for over a month.  I now have the motivation of seeing progress, both in my endurance, and in little changes in my body. Because I keep clothing until it dies, and I don't have a terribly massive amount to start, some of the clothing I wear for exercise is beginning to fall apart.  I also have no actual dedicated work out tops.  So I'm reminded to go through the things I have, and likewise, I got myself some new things.  Not a ton, just two tops and two bottoms.  The leggings are more of the very inexpensive kind I've found that fit well and I like.  The tops, however, are a bit pushing.  I love the designs, and think they're both fantastic, but they're crop tops, which I normally would hate wearing.   I can dance in cholis with a bare stomach, but I always feel like with everything else I'm wearing, and with also dancing, there is so much distracti...

 I think I'm just used to dealing with things that would knock most people on their ass, even when they're constant.  That, and knowing what will help and recharge me no matter what is happening.   With everything exploding, which is still exploding, don't get me wrong, I'm managing to kick myself in the ass and try to get ahead on things.  I have all my books planned for next year, am well into progress on them, and I'm managing to get ahead on the holidays as well.  Given the pandemic, I don't even have the same timeline that I normally would, because we won't be having extra people for Channukah, but we're almost completely ahead through everything. I have a ton of ideas of things I want to start.  I know I recently mentioned starting a new blog, and while that idea is great, it's entirely dependent on me constantly doing new things.  For the weeks where I have a ton of things going on, that's wonderful, but I do have times where things lull, ...

A bit more than a week ago, I had asked Lux to come visit.  While I was doing what I could to take care of myself, I knew mentally that I needed some contact and time.  He said that he couldn't give an answer either way, given that work was being incredibly demanding of him, but he understood, and honestly, just him responding that much was helpful for me. And then Friday happened, to which I no longer expected him to show up, and wouldn't blame him.  I wouldn't ask anyone to come visit and be around after something like that.  So, I was very prepared to try and slog through the day on my own, no matter how difficult that would be. I didn't hear from him all morning, but tried to send him some messages to just keep him updated on my safety and mental state.   When I had the chance to sneak downstairs for some lunch, I finally heard from him, and he told me he was still coming for a night.   Whatever tears were left, started then.  I was so gr...

 I'm writing this because although I knew I had to write earlier, I was a bit compromised. Friday, my father started a conversation with me.  He asked me something, and because he directly asked me, I couldn't just ignore things and stay quiet in order to not deal with what I knew would be the response.  So I let the conversation move.  And it turned into me trying to explain BLM, white privilege, inherent racism, and a myriad of other things. On his side, it started with him telling me that because I didn't like Trump, I was the same as people who said they would kill a puppy to get him out of office.  Then moved onto him saying that cops should follow me around places because I look different so I don't belong anywhere.  He then in response to me explaining to him that I deal with things he wouldn't, due to my gender and appearance, said with every bit of condescension you could imagine "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were so oppressed", and later ...

 As of writing this we're still waiting out the election.  Watching maps and percentages change a fraction of a percent, seeing gaps close, and wondering when numbers will be called. At the same time, I'm listening to my father.  Someone who all year has talked about how the pandemic is made up, and a hoax created by the democrats to sway the election.  He talks about how the protests through the country were destroying everything, and that those people deserved to be shot with live ammo because they were rioting.  That if "they weren't doing anything illegal, they wouldn't get shot". And as he spews hypocrisy constantly while this election occurs, I watch my mother send so many mixed messages to whoever she's around, and I never know when she's lying, or if she thinks she can constantly play both sides of the coin in what she believes.   I stay quiet around my father.  I don't think I've ever been able to have a conversation without him yellin...

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind. In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is. What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was ...

 The last month or so has not been the easiest, for anything.  Squishy has given me no breaks in her behavior.  My parents are being their normal difficult selves, as well as finally realizing things that I've brought up to them multiple times.  I've had some things crawling around in my brain that are important, but still hard, and even with doing things to help my mental state, the thoughts have stuck around, or been proven even more true. Things have been challenging for everyone lately, and so while trying to be understanding of them, and not dump onto them, I feel worse because I can't do anything helpful either.   I've realized I'm craving just the chance to relax.  At all.  The few times Squishy has been gone I've been in such a garbage space that I can't let myself relax, and I don't have the space to reset at all, because most of my stress is still right here.  At the same time, because so much is going on with everyone, I'm not gett...

 Over the summer, a friend wound up getting a ton of spools of rope "seconds".  Perfectly sturdy jute, and all full spools, from a good quality rope maker.  They had some small aesthetic issues that kept them from being able to be sold as normal. And so, this friend started passing the spools around.  One to Kitty, one for Pyre, and apparently, one for me. During the first span of lockdown, I had thought about learning to self tie.  I was drawn to the idea of learning the skill as a challenge for myself, and as something fun to do.  I however, had no rope. Here I was now though, with a whole spool, needing to be cut, finished, and treated.  Requiring all the work that riggers would need for a full kit, rather than newer rope tops, who would normally opt for something lower maintenance, or at least getting something fully treated. It's interesting thought,  cutting it down myself, and learning to finish the ends.  I'm going through and whippin...

 Over the course of summer, I found that even though I was spending time with people, my dysmorphia was more often than not acting up an incredible amount.  Once the summer was done, and I was dealing with things home as well, my body image plummeted, dealing with all the tics brought on by real dysmorphia. I'm sure it didn't help that over the summer I started to feel like an obligation, and even if sex wasn't happening, treated like there was no attraction at all.  No words or gestures to help me fight the voices in my brain, even tiny ones.  And because my brain only overthinks once it starts going, there was no real way for me to dig myself out at a certain point, especially after telling Kitty how much small gestures help, and having none. Now that I'm taking things into my own hands again, and trying to make better habits, it's giving me the time to quiet the bad thoughts, and start to create the space for better ones.  Even a week and a half in, I am noti...

 At the end of summer, something happened that changed a lot of things for Kitty.  It caused him to be rather upset for a few days while I was there, but also made it so that Pyre had the chance to stay with him a bit longer.  The thing was, we didn't know the timeline on that change. Because it's me, my mind started in on quite a few ideas.  Having the chance to take advantage of these change of plans, and create some things that would potentially make the polycule as a whole happy.  I didn't tell anyone though, because things were in the air. Unfortunately, now I won't get to. That timeline is coming to an end soon, and it's causing a lot of shake up on things.  Pyre is a bit of a mess trying to juggle everything going on, and making a plan to get out.  And likewise, I now need to be aware that the chances I have to travel down there are probably no longer an option. And while I know I can get by without these things, and that I don't need time out w...

 Last week, I grabbed an app to track what I eat, and my exercise.  I was curious what it would do for me, if I went into it telling myself that I wouldn't remove anything from my diet, but see how it influenced me overall. It's making me more aware of my movement during the day, and encouraging me to do at least a bit of something every day.  I'm also noticing that I enjoy logging everything in.  It makes me feel like even if I forget some parts of my day, there's still something I completed, and that it's meant to help me be a better, healthier me. I'm more mindful of what I'm eating as well.  It's not stopping me from things, but it's encouraging me to only eat when I'm actually hungry, and removing all the little bits and snacks throughout the day that I was making excuses for.  It's already had an effect on how my body feels, and how I think it looks as well.  Not massive, and it's that start of change thing that happens, but it'...

 The last couple of weeks have had a huge downturn in my mental state.  Both the situations with Squishy, and some other smaller things have caused my mood, motivation, and mental health to be on a continuous downward slope. It's caused me to not be able to get everything done that I've wanted to during the day, which of course makes me feel worse.   I'm trying to make myself tackle things in bite sized amounts.  Any progress is still progress, and so long as I'm managing through each thing on my daily list, it means things are being accomplished. As much as I can, I'm trying to enforce self care.  I'm trying to get back to working out regularly.  I'm trying to eat healthier things, and doing loose calorie tracking, just to get an idea of how it affects me.  Just getting back to working out more often though, has managed to create a bit of an upturn, that I always forget happens.  Even during the start of my cycle, which normally results in m...

 I saw something on Fet a week or so ago.  A writing that talked about submission, and how it's great when someone is doing things they're happy about, but that submission really matters when you're doing something you didn't want to. As I read it, I hated it.  It tried to seem respectful of consent, but turned victim-blamey, and encouraged those no limits types of power exchange that aren't healthy in any frame. I got angry at it,  upset with how popular the writing was.  It wasn't meant to be hot, but an actual point of view, and it was getting people agreeing with it to a point where I couldn't help but be off put. Submission isn't giving up consent, ever.  If you just don't share something earlier, it doesn't mean the domly person is entitled to something else.  The only time that this is ok is in a highly negotiated situation, where time is invested, and an immense trust has been built. Where submission counts extra, is when it happens natur...

 Squishy going back to school, and doing so remotely hasn't been terribly smooth.  We've had trouble almost every week with one thing or another, but luckily, most of those things were able to be fixed.  She's also on a device provided by the school, so they have software that allows her teachers and the staff to see what she's doing, and either close things, send messages, or even block things in order to keep the kids on task. Last week though, after she was done with class, and as we were finishing up lunch, I got a voicemail from the vice principal of the school.  As I went to call him back, I got a call from my mother, as they had also contacted her.  Apparently she'd spent the day, on her school chromebook, on the day the class got access back to youtube, watching videos when she was supposed to be paying attention to school.  Worse yet, was that those videos all were entirely inappropriate content for her age anyway, not to mention to look at on a sc...

 This year killed a lot of plans for me.  Destroyed a lot of things I had wanted to do, and killed a lot of motivation in its tracks.  It has caused me a lot of anxiety over not doing everything that I've wanted to, but as we pass this six month hump of the pandemic and the effect it has had on society, I'm finding myself coming out of that slump.  As a result, it's giving me more ideas on things I am thinking about starting into.   I'm thinking about a starting a new blog.  Something that covers all the creative things I finish, whether books read, recipes tested, or things made.  Reviews of how I enjoyed them, how they worked, and things I needed to do with them.  I think it'll encourage me to stretch myself more, and think more deeply about all of the arts I consume. It wouldn't stop me from posting here (though I may go down to one post a week, which potentially could mean longer, more in depth writing here as well) as that space wouldn't...

 The pandemic has been going on long enough that there are many times when I need to remind my parents that when the holidays come soon, we can't have a ton of people here.  That no matter how long we've been doing this, it is both irresponsible, immoral, and illegal to have the house packed with people we would normally have. I hear Lux talking about how when it's all over, he wants to meet with friends for orgies, and play with everyone. And here I am, going longer and longer through all of this, and only meeting with friends a handful of times since this all started, which includes invasions.  Time away from groups, avoiding events, and minimizing outings altogether.  Things that I normally associate with recharging, and helping me process and face life a bit better. But, I'm not craving them.  I don't want massive holidays.  I don't want to find a ton of new partners.  I don't want to attend events.  As time goes on with this, I find myself ju...

 Weeks ago, I put the idea into Lux's head that he should come for Rosh Hashanah.  That it would be a smaller holiday, and we wouldn't be inviting that many people, and still give him enough notice that he could sort of get his mind ready to go and do something again. And coming up to the holiday, I didn't get much notice from him on it.  No real answer either way about him coming to visit, which I understood, but was still difficult, because I wasn't sure what to do in some cases. He did show up though.  Just for a night rather than a full weekend, but time when we didn't have some running about to do, and could just catch up, be silly, and enjoy time together. It was everything I've wanted since the pandemic started.  No massive event, or elaborate adventure.  Just curled up with each other, with nothing remarkable going on.   I remember waking up in the morning, with his arms around me, and while all the sex we had was certainly beneficial for ...

Over the course of lockdown, you would think that I would be getting reliant on the sex toys I have.  That I would actually have a masturbation habit by now, if only due to lack of opportunity to be with a partner.  Especially with the time this summer, where my touch starvation was being taken care of, and my normal sex drive is back and vocal. However, I've found masturbation less and less appealing.  More often than not, I am finding myself feeling like I would rather go without if I can't be with a partner, because it isn't anywhere near as good anyway. And apparently my body agrees. On the rare occasion that I do decide to do anything, not only is it something I get no real satisfaction from, but it goes pretty much nowhere.  Previously, at least I knew that I just had to use a ridiculous amount of force to make my body respond.  That eventually, I would just overstimulate myself, and make my body react that way. Now, my body is almost completely unresponsi...

 Just when I thought it was done.  I honestly thought I had found all the shitty moments from Thrax, the things burrowed into my brain like land mines.  The ones that no matter how much he tries to tell himself that he did nothing wrong, did lasting damage to my brain.  I thought I'd found so many that I'd found them all. But apparently that wasn't the case.  Underneath all the other things that had been done, was at least one more, undiscovered and covered in dust. Until my last visit with Kitty. And it was small, but when he did it accidentally, and then made more comments not knowing what he'd done, it hit like a truck.  Burst from the dust, and I couldn't do much but lay there and cry for a few minutes.  And while trying to navigate what was happening, also trying to tell myself that I was with Kitty, someone I trusted.  Just like every time it's happened with Lux, that didn't matter, and I just tried to navigate back to a level space. It was ...

 The first week or so after getting back from Kitty's was tough.  A lot of stress, mostly brought on by others, that started physically settling again. But at the same time, I had an amount of ambition.  Things to do, and projects to juggle.  A routine that involved daily and weekly tasks, both to take care of myself, and things happening.  Not just having to hold time before traveling again meant I could put more on myself, and that was centering in a way, and helped me process all of the stress. And here I am, only about two weeks from when that visit ended, and I'm feeling a bit stressed, but much closer to normal. My mind is telling me that I'm doing alright, in it's own weird way. I'm not just craving touch, sex, or pain.  I'm back to wanting power exchange, to take on service, and centering possessiveness.  Something that while would have been welcome, wasn't on my mind for most of the beginning of lockdown, and over summer.  Now that I'm ge...

Squishy restarted school this week.  It's a little rocky at times, but she seems more motivated than last school year, which I hope sticks.  The gnome also registered her for karate classes, and while she was interested in the very very beginning, she's losing steam on that quickly.  However, that I have little problem with, because I'm not fond of the teachers, and the style is incredibly inefficient in the instance of actual self defense. This is however giving me more chance to get back to my own routine.  I'm needing to juggle school for her, taking care of me, and the house, and Oliver, and everything.  We also have Rosh Hashanah soon, and the possibility of future travels for me. It's a lot, and creating some odd stress, but it's good for me in a lot of ways too.  It's helping me keep up with things, and be more motivated. I'm getting a million more things done during the day than last week, and managing to perform self care as well.  And...

While at Kitty's the last time, getting ready for dinner one evening, I threw one of my random lockdown thoughts at Fox and someone else.  And they leaned on the island in the kitchen, looking at me, wondering about how it would work as well. I posted a while back about how I get torn over how to explain my sexuality.  Over only being attracted to men, but how my lack of gender messes with that in how I talk about it, without picking a side within the binary, for myself or others. And of course, the two of them just tried to tell me to use the term "queer" but I've spoken about my dislike of that.  We also then discussed that with "queer" comes the assumption of some level of pansexuality, which doesn't fit for me at all. And so weeks passed, and then on facebook I saw someone mentioning their sexuality, and said they were androsexual, and my brain lit up.  A quick google, and I learned that it was a very clear term that explained an attraction t...

While this wasn't the easy, joyous trip I may have wanted, there was still a lot of good from it.  Time with the people I care about, trying to build and rebuild connection.  Time to be silly, and get things done.  Trying new things, and helping make experiences. And that means that coming home, without the knowledge of when I'll see any of them again, came with some drop.  Which meant a couple of days of feeling like I just couldn't get into routine again.  Didn't want to do the things I knew I should, and forcing myself, only because I knew it would mean I would be swamped if I didn't. Along with that, we're trying to get Squishy ready for school again, and she isn't doing the best with things.  It's creating even more stress and anxiety for me, which compounds with drop.  To top it off, my parents went right back to abusive gaslighting tactics with me, and within 48 hours of being home, threatened to kick me out. I'm trying to get back to ...

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him...

It's been a strange trip so far. Fox is off for work, leaving for three to six months.  Kitty is sad about it, overly stressed, and sort of letting himself wallow.  Pyre is going to help him, but I'm wondering how much that will do for him with how much he is fighting everything. Kitty also needs to check his privilege.  On more than a few occasions over the last week or so, he's responded to things with some manner of mansplaining, treating me like I'm an idiot, or simply not being aware that I didn't grow up with an affluent, intelligent family.  He's starting to try and argue with everyone on how to do things, and not just with me, but with Lux when he was here as well.  It's hard.  Because I do love him, and I know how he can be, but he's lost so much of himself trying to just be his career, and do what society defines success as, that it'll be really hard for him to dig out a sense of self that isn't so tied into societal competition a...

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be ben...

After returning home from my last trip to see Kitty, in the middle of drop I noticed my brain wandering a few different things.  It started with how my parents, and my siblings think of the pandemic.  Legitimately thinking it's some sort of political hoax, and while following the rules they absolutely have to, thinking it's all one giant lie.  That near the election everything will magically clear up in some attempt to sway the votes. Yea, I know. I thought about the bubble I've made with my polycule.  How even though I am staying home between visits to track if any symptoms arise in the house, and not adding extra sources of exposure, I'm still traveling to another state to see the people I have made a bubble with. And that risk is constantly calculated.  Every time I decide to have a visit, it is in a mindset of making sure it's done in a way to keep others safe.  Yet, I woke up one morning feeling guilty.  Guilty that I was just as bad as ...

Almost two weeks ago, the big storm hit here.  Technically, I don't think it was a hurricane by the time it was here, but there were definitely winds enough count as one. We hunkered in, knowing this particular storm would be short.  It didn't look like it would be too harsh, breaking land well before getting to us, and hopefully dispersing into a less violent event. And by about noon that day, we were out of power.  I told everyone when the lights started heavily flickering, so they would hopefully understand that I may go silent soon after.  When the power went, the cell towers also became unreliable at best.  By that evening my parents could barely get calls to my siblings so we could all check on each other. Because of this, I was unable to actually get a hold of people to let them know I was ok.  Up to the first night, I didn't feel too badly.  Upon waking up the next day, still with no power to be found, I started feeling worse.  At th...

Coming out of the most recent trip to Kitty's there's been an odd swirl of feelings.  Some of which I've already spoken about, but others I've had to take time to process through. Once I had a day home without any of my polycule present, drop started to hit like a brick.  I was exhausted, and doing anything for the first day or so was a project.  Squishy wasn't being easy to deal with, and that certainly didn't help as the I trudged my way through a few days. I wasn't dealing with the usual symptoms though that also accompany that mental state.  I was anxious over not knowing what would happen in the next few weeks.  Overthinking the options that depended on others, possibilities for when Squishy goes back to school, and a thousand other things.  Enough that would overwhelm most, but instead all of gave me a sense of anticipation.  Wanting to know what would happen, and feeling a bit like spinning wheels, but enough possibility for good that it was...

I'm always concerned with keeping a balance between my partners.  Making sure that they both know I have time for them, giving them what I can in regards to both needs and wants.  It's something that's always on my mind, and even more so when I have them both in a shared physical space. There's also a balance I'm used to in how I think of them when I'm away.  A feeling of missing Kitty due to our longer spans of absence, and a yearning for the more frequent familiarity that I get from Lux.  Both have their own comfort in the affection and importance held, but it's certainly a different sort of sensation. With seeing Kitty twice already this summer, I've noticed myself waking up with the same sort of feeling of missing him as I would Lux.  That memory of contact, and waking up snuggled in now fresh in my mind again. It's weird, honestly.  To wake up missing both of them the same way.  To need to sort through and figure out which one I want to ha...

I remember for the longest time thinking that I was wired for monogamy.  That I could only have feelings for one person, because I typically only had a crush on one person at a time.  While spending the last day or so with Pyre though, I kept thinking about how the first couple of years I had with Kitty were.  That one of us always had another partner, and even though we claimed we were just best friends, there was absolutely a level of attraction and love that was always there. And I remember never feeling like I felt less for whoever I was dating when Kitty was around.  I had the same feelings for them both, and made sure I spent time and energy for them both.  On the same hand, Kitty had a partner he was living with, and I never felt a need to end their relationship, or pull him away from who he was with.  I made sure he had time with his partner, and enjoyed seeing the moments where they were happy. Maybe, just maybe, I've been accidentally poly f...

Friday of the invasion, many people went to take a nap, right around when Kitty was finishing with work.  While I had wanted to find some time alone with him, he wanted to relax in the pool, which was also ok.  So it was the two of us, another couple who got invited (and stayed fairly distant the entire time), and Fox in the garden, pulling out weeds.  Fox was continually trying to pull Kitty from the pool to do things for them, and it made me angry each time.  He had just needed to work a full day, when they had off, and was trying to decompress, knowing he had another meeting Saturday morning, while juggling being a host.  They wouldn't let him have more than a couple of minutes of floating along, and I could see the frustration on his face. The couple also attending was a guy who is very toppy, and a girl who only bottoms, and was goading on Fox.  At a certain point she brought up that she's a brat, but likes to help, and is often very helpful in wha...

There were many times over the course of my time with Kitty that he seemed unsure, and uncomfortable with trying to figure out us.  People would ask about our dynamic, and he had no idea how to answer, where I absolutely could say one way or another. And yes, it's been a long time since we've had the idea of where things sit between us.  Time where he has lost track of what I'm comfortable with, what I've done, and how I play.  It's caused him to be incredibly reticent about things, which leaves me unsure of how he feels. I've never stopped being absolutely comfortable with him, and so anything that I felt safe and interested in doing with him over the years, is still the case on my end.  Distance and time hasn't changed how I feel about him, or the trust we've built.  However, given that Lux and I try to reset our negotiations every few years, Kitty and I are likely overdue as well. Taking care of relationships is often the aspect of doing mainten...

My birthday was the start of an invasion of people while at Kitty's place.  Something that started quiet, and while never got insane, was certainly a pile of people.  During the day, I went about making lots of little things happen, while Pyre worked.  At one point I took a break, and actually spoke with her therapist to help answer questions, and give him a better understanding of how our polycule works.  It was very interesting to see him try to wrap his head around it as a concept, and affirming in many ways, to see him happy with how we work, and the healthy dynamic that Pyre and I have. People started showing, and Kitty got home, and while he didn't have time to let his brain relax, was certainly being more affectionate than he had been some previous days.  We made silly jokes, and the night ended with him bringing me so much laughter that I had to be careful due to having a brownie at the same time. So while Lux wasn't there, this was everything else...

Having been down at Kitty's for a couple of days, it is incredibly noticeable the amount of change from last month, and even since talking to him the slightest bit.  Most of base level need is taken care of, regardless of having not even told him what any of it is.  It's still odd though, being asked about wants.  A strange tiptoeing vibe on his end, of not knowing where we sit after time of not cultivating things has left a strange existence for our relationship, and we need to figure out where we are now, in order to grow and move further. On the same hand, being asked about wants in the abstract remains difficult.  I find myself needing to fight the thoughts that I am not allowed to want, because of the consequences.  That I need to do without because it'll just result in an empty promise.  That it'll be used against me later.  That I'll just be told no because even simple needs are too much. I realize that even though I've had years of space ...

Coming out of the last visit to see Kitty, and up to this one, I had brought to him a few things we needed to talk about, and he agreed.  One of which was him saying that he wanted to go over the actual parameters of our relationship, what it included, and what that meant.  As well, in a way to make that easier, things like wants and needs from us both. And, that's incredibly hard for me.  I've never taken the time to create outlines for my relationships.  They were things that developed organically, with their own rules and cautions that came about with time.  I dislike the idea of putting a relationship into a box of expectation.  I suppose for some people it makes things easier, but life gets in the way, makes things exist in flux, and so aspects of relationships constantly change. I've also up until now been in states where my words held weight in relationships.  Where my wants and needs mattered, and where me speaking up wasn't met with att...

The weekend of my birthday is supposed to be another gathering at Kitty's place.  The one thing I wanted for my birthday, an unofficial thing happening of just that.  While I'm not trying to push my birthday in anything going on, I'm more than a little happy that I'm getting the simple thing I do want, even if all the people I want to spend it with will likely not be present. Squishy left earlier this week though, and that would give me a week and a half of being home without her.  A week and a half that I had hoped initially would be spent with Lux, celebrating both our birthdays together, and finally seeing each other after yet more months of distance.  To help him make this new place into a home. Before I can even consider the risk of seeing him though, he needs more time in quarantine, having just come back from traveling to take care of family matters.  As much as in many ways these things look like selfish acts, we really are all keeping safety in mind...

I posted on here several times about the touch starvation caused by lockdown.  The odd dreams, and the way it affected my mental state through everything else going on.  One of the things I needed with the last invasion was an end to that lack of touch, which is why Lux encouraged contact. And like with most things, I only needed a little bit.  A handful of truly heartfelt hugs, and I felt everything lighten up. With it, the touch starvation I was dealing with was sated, so even though I may have wanted more, what I needed was taken care of. And brought me to my baseline.  Which meant back to wanting all the sex constantly.  Even before I left to head home, I noticed my sex drive hit like a brick as it returned to normal, no longer needing to be put aside and barter for smaller contact. It's a good thing to feel this way again, honestly.  As irritating as it is to still not have a way to fix it, it's good to not feel overwhelmed out of just needing ...

Shortly after I arrived at Kitty's house, I was bringing my things in, and trying to decide where I was sleeping.  When I left the room that was initially suggested for me to stay in, Kitty was standing in the hallway, saying that he wasn't sure about things like hugs, and I could see the conflict in his face, even with a mask on. I told him that I was prepared for the risk he came with, and it was his decision.  After continuing to waffle, he nearly flung himself forward to hug me, and we both teared up, a little overwhelmed with everything happening.  Bandaid ripped off, and feeling the relief of not only seeing each other, but getting to hug for the first time in a year. Over the weekend, while not actively showing affection in front of each other, there were many hugs, which we both needed.  There was a lot of the back and forth that only we have, bouncing off of each other in such an energetic way, which kept everyone entertained. Saturday night, when almo...

I didn't get to have camp this year, but I very nearly had the next best thing.  The invasion that we planned, albeit for many reasons, created the sort of environment that I had needed from camp, without the risk of hundreds of people all having sex on top of each other. Everyone didn't even show up who had planned to, which made the entire thing a small gathering of safe people, with as few risk for issues as possible. We all worked together to try and take care of everything, and were all happy to do so.  It was obvious how much we all needed this, and it created an environment to bring us all closer, while getting the bit of relaxation we needed.  Throughout the weekend, things kept happening in reflection of where we are mentally.  While everyone was having cups done outside, no one could deal with it.  During harder conversations, people had to walk away and process.  I had to remind everyone at one point or another that we were all compromised ...

I had almost a week without Squishy home before the invasion.  I got through the weekend taking time for myself, and then Monday hit.  Only a few days before leaving, and as my mind was settling from not having to constantly worry about everything with Squishy, it started confronting everything else. Which meant all of the anxiety ever during the day.  My mind was confronting the idea of breaking lockdown, and being around people again, and likewise, possibly making contact with people again.  After so long avoiding people, and worried about the involved with seeing anyone, as well as everyone pushing for no large gatherings for safety, was I ready to break that?  Would Kitty feel safe hugging me?  My mind was spinning from not knowing, and it wasn't doing me any good to just stay quiet.  I went to talk to Pyre to get an idea from her about what he would do, and she told me that I needed to leave it to him, but she felt safe making contact with me....

Today, I should be at camp.  At the end of a week with friends, my polycule, and loved ones. Instead, we are all concerned with safety.  Keeping apart even while our worlds are on fire, trying to stay healthy so we can keep each other healthy. Now, we rewind to a couple of weeks ago.  I'm on a call with Pyre, talking about how Kitty's birthday is soon, and she is planning a trip up, which has changed from just a short trip due to her current situation.  She mentions another one of our friends talking about making a long trek down, because it would be the week of camp, and spending the weekend.  She asks what I'm up to, and I tell her that Squishy will be gone. And so the plotting began.  Trying to make something happen as safely as possible, while taking stress off of Kitty so we would show up with everything taken care of. A fantastic surprise that brings us back to the important people, and creates a positive space for mental health. Which means...

I mentioned last week that I've been making myself do more to take care of me.  Part of that started as slower, deep stretching yoga again, because I've gotten far more stiff than I care to be.  I've added more since then, but making sure to stretch, and breathe, and relax has been a part of my day for a couple of weeks now. And, it's been good for me physically.  My body isn't as stiff, and it's making me more comfortable. It's also apparently good for me mentally.  I store stress in my shoulders.  I always have.  And with everything going on, my upper back had days where I had to use my heating pad because it was so knotted up. While doing yoga, I noticed multiple times while stretching my shoulders, that I would hit emotional release.  For some reason only while stretching that part of my body, my mind would register the concept that soon I may have the chance to hug people again, and have some manner of fixed touch starvation, and I would s...

Coming into the covid lockdown, it came with many things being cut off.  Sharing physical space, traveling, going to events both big and small, and tons of other things. At the same time, I decided just for fun, that I would grow out my hair while stuck at home.  I also said I wouldn't dye it, because if I wasn't around people, it was an excuse to take a break from it, as my hair has been dyed every month or so for almost twenty years now. But, when do I say that things are done, and I'm ready to do any of them again.  Things are opening up, but when do I say I'm ready to go out and do things?  The stay at home order in my state is done, but does that mean I can travel to see my partners again?  When I do see them, is it safe to have contact, and finally hug them for the first time in months? And even just with the option, does that mean it's time to cut my hair, dye it dark, and look just like before all this started? My number one goal is to stay safe ...

Today is technically the end of the school year for Squishy.  The start of her summer break, and while things are still closed, and it won't be the extra fun adventure most kids want, but it means no longer worrying about schoolwork for a bit for us both. And I'm hoping, that with her leaving in a few days, I'll be able to reset my own brain a little from how I've been feeling.  That break from how things have been, and the stress she's been creating will hopefully be helpful. For the last few days, I've been making myself do things that I know are good for me that I've let fall to the wayside.  Physical and mental acts of self care that I know I need, but just made excuses that I didn't have the spoons for, because I honestly didn't think I did with everything else going on. I'm forcing myself to do even simple physical self care again, and it's helping a ton.  Focusing on the things that are healthy for me, and while it may not be the...

I finished everything with the gnome last week, and Squishy was making progress with having better behavior.  At the same time, I've continued to have all the same physical stress symptoms that I had been dealing with.  My mom had told me that I could relax when I pointed it out to her, and I just responded that I couldn't.  There was too much in the air, too much still happening all at once.  Lux was about to do his move, and had even more happening in his life, which is still going on.  Pyre's living situation had been falling apart.  I'm worried about the safety of everyone for so many reasons, and have everything exploding here.  I think all things considered, just some physical stress symptoms is me handling things fairly well. But at the same time, Squishy's behavior took a nose dive as soon as she had gotten herself back any freedom.  After trying to work with her, be understanding to how she felt, and fighting like hell to make her fee...

Two days ago, while sure that I would basically get what I had wanted from the hearing, but still nervous, I sat with Squishy to find dates she agreed with for the summer.  Times to travel that are long enough to do contact tracing and be aware of symptoms, but work with anything happening over the summer, and make a decent balance. Yesterday morning, I had the hearing with the gnome.  A ball of nerves, compacted with some issues with Squishy that morning.  Once everything had started, I listened to the judge, and as he spoke, after he got through the routine of rules, I could hear some cheer in his voice.  He sounded fairly pleasant, like he was having a good morning coming into work. I knew, that so long as I was polite and prompt, I had nothing to worry about. And as our hearing began, and we were sworn in I felt better and better. From the beginning, I could tell with the judge looking at the record that he wasn't going to tolerate anything.  And the...

The world is still scary, and I'm still fighting like hell while worrying about the safety of others.  Things aren't going to slow down soon, but on the bright side, some changes do look like they're starting to happen. Some people are just grasping for whatever change they can try for though.  Like a child's hand reaching for anything it can, no matter if it should be touched or not, then claiming they helped. She claimed, that given things going on, that the kink scene should completely remove the term "slave" because it hurts all the black people.  And of course, was over time creating an echo chamber by removing comments.  Immediately, I disagreed with it.  I'm Jewish, which means my history is completely covered in slavery.  Not just the "all cultures were slaves", but massively known periods of time where being a Jew meant you were less than.  My great grandparents threw away their history to run to America in hopes of being safe, and s...

While already at my limit trying to protect my daughter, and help her feel safe, social media is overrun.  I can't look anywhere without seeing stories about the unjust death of a black man by police hands, and what is happening as a result.  I see people in media being knocked down and arrested for being compliant, in the most gentle of situations. And it has me afraid, for so many people.  Afraid of lost lives, families torn apart, and homes destroyed due to how the police respond to a request for basic human decency. I'm afraid for my partner, who I haven't seen in months because of covid, trying to be responsible, and keep everyone safe.  Afraid that I won't ever see him again because as he prepares to move, he'll be walking something over to a dumpster, and the wrong person will drive by, assume he's looting, and attack him.  My partner, the brick wall that he is, can barely defend himself, because that invites him to become the target of police brut...

I woke up on Thursday still in the process of my mind settling, but prepared for a more peaceful, and productive day.  I knew I had a lot to do, but was prepared to try and get it all done. The morning was met with some smaller speed bumps, mostly due to my own anxieties, but nothing horrible.  While making lunch I saw a voicemail and went to listen to it. The gnome actually filed a dispute claiming I was forcibly keeping Squishy from him, and there would be a hearing that afternoon.  And because Squishy was in the room when I played the message, already worried about being forced to travel, she was a mess.  She was mad at her father, who she didn't feel comfortable talking to previously, and now felt like she couldn't talk to at all. I spent the day anxious, but knowing I had nothing to worry about.  He had no real leg to stand on with a dispute, and that was made very clear as soon as the hearing started.  The judge brought up that there was no re...

Saturday night, after writing my last post, I caught Squishy again, sneaking things upstairs.  I was already fried, and this made it worse.  I went to tell the gnome, because he was so far just continuing to act selfishly, with no actual help.  In fact, he had called Squishy just to scream at her for a half hour, which left me having to deal with her curled up in a ball and sobbing.  As I told him, he insisted that she needed to be up there, again, just fixated on him wanting to bring her up there, despite what was going on with her, or caring about health and safety given the situation.  He tried claiming that I was "keeping her" from him.  Started yelling that I can't legally keep her here. I know it's all a load of shit, but it was still frustrating.  That while dealing with everything else, he could only think about what he wanted, and too fixated on himself to actually consider the safety of his kid. I tried to decompress, until I knew I nee...

I wrote my last entry on the Tuesday prior.  It was hard to write, letting myself acknowledge all those things that I was trying to keep aside.  Everything going on with Squishy had left me running on fumes, and with no energy left for much of anything.   I was in tears for about an hour after I finished writing that, because I just felt so overwhelmed, with everything.  When I finally was able to compose myself again, I walked out of my room to find more things from Squishy, and was just on negative spoons all around. And it's been like that since.  I've found her lying about things, trying to sneak around, and doing what she shouldn't constantly.  I'm met with villification from my parents rather than consistency, and the gnome just shrugs and ignores it, like he does with everything else, getting upset that I won't let him act selfishly rather than providing any help.  I've started blowing up on people.  I'm quick to apologize, ...

It's been many years since Lux first moved to the area where he is right now.  I remember how anxious I was about it, afraid that this connection I had just made would fall apart, and I would never see him again.  Whether from my own stubbornness, his, or something else altogether, that didn't happen, and I'm grateful for it. Despite the pandemic, Lux is preparing another move.  His current job allows him to move more or less anywhere he wants, so long as there is an airport within reasonable distance.  And so he's decided that this move will be a bigger one, and he'll be changing states again, from north of me, to south. And honestly, he'll wind up having near the same length drive to get to here, and I'll have the same amount of travel as well.  On paper, for the most part, things should stay the same, and while they aren't perfect, they are something we are used to. I can't help but panic a little though.  Where Lux is moving, he'll have...

I've learned what would make me break lockdown. It's the last two days. See, I finally decided that Squishy wasn't super grounded anymore.  I wasn't going to tell her until she was done with school work, in hopes that it would keep her on better behavior.  Not even two hours into the morning, I walked past her desk to go to the bathroom, and saw her doing things that have been off limits for the majority of her being in trouble.  Two hours of her on less restriction, she didn't even know it, and she couldn't respect it, because she "was bored". My parents tried to make excuses for her, the entire day, making little times that should have been a couple of minutes out of her room into over an hour, then attacking me like I was the villain. To top off that morning, the gnome called, suddenly asking when he could take Squishy for visits, because he "missed her".  I'm sorry, is there not a pandemic going on there?  Because there is he...